| TV SHOWS
THAT SUCK All TV fucking sucks (except
cartoons). However, some TV makes me hunger for blood; blood for the
stars, writers, producers, TV execs, and fans of the shows in question.
When one of these shows comes on and I accidentally see the first second
of it, the sanity switch in my head gets flipped to "Mental" and I start
screaming like a banshee and smashing furniture with my fists and head
until someone turns the show off. Here are some of the shows.
If you like any of these shows, you suck.
Everybody
Loves Raymond. Oh yeah? I don't. In fact, I
fucking hate Raymond. I hate his stupid face, I hate his TV family,
I hate hi stupid show. Ray Ramano has to be one of the least funny
comedians ever. In my mind, he's ranked right between Rita Rudner
and Gary Shandling (and fuck both of them, too). The only reason
I've even seen this god-awful fucking garbage is because it's syndicated
on possibly the worst network ever: UPN. Also, my barber likes to
watch this filth, and for some reason every time I get my haircut, this
fucking show is on. I fucking hate it so goddamned much I can't see
straight.
 All
the characters suck, especially the douche that plays Ramano's brother.
Look at him. What a fucking ogre. I shouldn't make too much
fun of him though, since it's not his fault the producers hired him solely
because he's fucking subnormal and they needed someone with retard
strength to kill the cyclops in Ray's basement for the pilot episode
(Originally the show was supposed to take place in the dark ages; Ray was
a peasant that ate his own feces, and he had a cyclops in his basement.
And the wife didn't wear any clothes. And his annoying fucking TV
parents just stewed in vats of boiling acid and did nothing but scream.
Obviously, that kicked way too much ass so they retooled the show for all
of you pussies. Thanks, you fucking assholes). So don't laugh
at him for being a mongoloid. His guardians just didn't want him
working at Taco Bell anymore since he's been poisoning the citizens of
whatever trailer park he came from. Fucking retards and their
fast-food fry-cook jobs. Poisoning people. What the fuck?
Here's a quote from
this extremely gay fansite:
Right
across the street are Ray's meddling parents, Frank
and Marie, and his obsessive-compulsive older brother,
Robert. Embracing the motto "su casa es mi casa,"
they infiltrate their son's home to an extent
unparalleled in television history.
|
So,
this routine is "unparalleled in television history," huh?
Only if you got your television last week and the only channel that
comes in is the "suck" channel. Half of the sitcoms ever are
based around annoying family members that won't leave you
alone. That's nothing new. The edition of a retarded
brother, however; that's fucking priceless.
My parents also love this show.
However, my parents also love the movie Best In Show, and I
just can't deal with that crap.
Anyway, back to that fucking
fansite. I don't know who maintains it, and I don't care.
But I do know this: I guarantee that the person who wrote this
drives a Rav-4 and has pictures of kids in vegetable costumes all
over their goddamned house. This person also likes to sound
really smart, but fails miserably, as you can see by this quote:
Ray Romano is a likeably befuddled protagonist who helped
make this half-hour comedy one of CBS' bonafide hits.
Yeah. First of all,
anyone who likes this show is undoubtedly a fucking jackass.
Also, anyone who uses the word "bonafide" should be shot in the
face. The whole site screams of "Someone pleasepleaseplease
give me a job for a newspaper as a TV critic." It also screams
"My mom's basement smells like urine because I keep wetting the bed.
Anyone want to play Jenga?" This person claims that the
opening credits/theme song sequence is "hilarious" because they're
desperately trying to hide from two old people and a retard.
And then there's a link so you can download the theme song and enjoy
this hilarity anytime you want on your computer (that I'm sure has
the latest AOL installed on it). Ray Ramano: fuck you! |
People might
think I'm some sort of asshole for calling Brad Garrett (the actor
that plays his brother; I've done my research, bitch)
retarded. To those people, I say this: look at his picture:
Okay, how is
this man not retarded? He shouldn't even be
allowed to have his picture taken without wearing a helmet and being
tied to a tree with a retard-proof leash. |
Oh yes. King of the Hill.
This show is probably the #1 reason for why I will never, ever go
to Texas. All right, Mike Judge; Beavis and Butthead was awesome
when I was 13, and we all thought the first half of Office Space
was hilarious, but it's time to hang yourself because there's no excuse
for this crap. I can't even believe it's still on, but the fact that
it hasn't been cancelled means that some assholes out there love this
shit. Well, I don't. Nothing about it is even remotely funny.
Yeah, they're rednecks, we get it. Yeah, the son might be gay and
the father, like all rednecks, is a homophobe. WE GET IT.
Now go the fuck away. First of all, any show, animated or not, where
the main character is a fucking propane salesman shouldn't have even made
it to the board meeting.
Hank Hill, the main character,
likes to scream "WUHUHUH!" whenever his son does something really gay.
This happens a lot. Like 14 times per episode, actually. This
flabbergasted gibberish plays over and over again in my nightmares until I
wake up screaming. I fucking hate it.
 
 
King of the Hill/Mike Judge: fuck
you!
The Simple Life. As if the
first one wasn't fucking pointless enough, assholes at FOX decided we
needed to see them drive around in a pink pickup truck/trailer
combination. As much as I love seeing two rich cunts drive around
with no money amongst white trash and rednecks, this show is not for me.
I hate them, and I hate FOX for assuming we'd love to see this (even
though a shit load of people love this show; what the fuck is wrong
with you?!).
 First
of all, no one should give a flying fuck what two rich socialites whose
only talents are "big tits" and "my daddy's rich and/or famous" are doing.
No one should even know who they are. But, because most of America
is dangerously stupid, we all have to suffer through their stupidity.
It's really sad that these two are
given their own show just because they're billionaires. Oh, and one's
the daughter of a hotel mogul and the other's the daughter of Lionel
fucking Richie. They just sit around all day drinking cosmopolitans,
thumb-fucking their dogs and releasing terrible night-vision sex tapes
that are blurrier than scrambled porn during a bad thunderstorm. (I
watched the whole thing anyway, though.) But you all eat it up.
You all love this shit; can't get enough. "Ooh, Paris and Nicole are
eating at Burger King, just like us. We're almost as good as
famous people!" "Ooh, Paris and Nicole are holding a
kissing booth and hooking up with people that consider flattened skunks
and paint chips as delicacies." "Ooh, Paris and Nicole are going to
a nudist colony! WOO-FUCKING-HOO!!!" Yeah, they went to a
nudist colony. Now I'm as pro-nudity as the next guy, but there
is such a thing as bad naked, and let me tell you something: nudist
colonies aren't full of models and movie stars. No, they're filled
with people so disgusting that they made the Human Worm and Lizard-Boy run
away crying to the Bearded Lady. Who then went bald after seeing the
nasty fucking puddles of people with no social skills that join fucking
nudist camps. I rate the people that belong to nudist colonies right
between giant poisonous spiders and giant poisonous spiders in high-speed
go-karts on my all-time worst fears list.
 As
you can see, I got these photos from a website called "ilovereality.com."
I think that's ironic. "Reality," huh? you people need to have
a TV dropped on your melon fucking heads. Reality is the lowest of
the low that is television broadcasting. It is the worst trend yet
in television. Remember all the people killed as a result of Small
Wonder? Of course not, because TV executives don't want you to.
If we don't put an end to this reality TV bullshit, everyone is going to
die. Everyone. Of
course, The Simple Life on the Road, or whatever the fuck they're calling
it, isn't the only reality show that should be destroyed; they all should.
There are some of them like Big Brother and Amazing Race or whatever that
I've never even seen. And they've been around for like five seasons
while shows like Family Guy and Invader Zim get cancelled faster than you
can say "What ever happened to that fat kid from Small Wonder, anyway?"
I don't even know what night or channel they come on. Maybe it's
because they've already gotten to me though, and they've brainwashed me so
that I don't remember the reality show I was on. That's right, it
was called "Homicidal Maniac Ninja Assassinates Pop-Culture Icons with
Bath Toys, Silly String, and Poisonous Candy." Of course, now that
I've written that and posted it on the internet, it'll only be a matter of
time until the CIA, FBI, or MIB (Men In Bikinis) show up a my door to
shoot me in the face for blabbing about what could be the greatest reality
TV show ever. Of course, there is one reality TV show better than
that. I invented it, and it's called "Leap of Faith."
Basically, it works like this: there are three contestant and four vats of
bubbling liquid. One of those vats is just steaming seltzer and is
harmless. The other three, however, are filled with boiling sulfuric
acid. The contestants take turns jumping into the vats until either
they're all dead or someone wins. The winner then gets sacrificed to
an active volcano while we all dance to spare our tiny island village.
And that, my friends, would fucking rule.
That's So Fucking Raven, all right. I fucking hate this bitch.
Hate her. And I hate Disney, so this show's an all-round hate fest
in my hate book. Hate hate hate. Disney, while universally bad
in everything they do anymore, puts out the worst TV shows ever.
Like Even Stevens and Lizzy McGuire before it, That's So Raven is no
exception to the Everything-Disney-Sucks-Balls rule.
 Here's
the basic premise as far as I can tell: Raven's in high school, has some
lame-ass friends, some lame-ass problems, a lame-ass mom, and that's about
it. Oh, wait; there's one catch. Raven is FUCKING PSYCHIC.
Yeah. She reads minds and sees the future. Who the fuck came
up with that bullshit? Who are the assholes that told that retard it
was a good idea. AND WHO KEEPS GIVING THIS FAT LITTLE CUNT
WORK!?!?!? Raven Simone (or
whatever; I couldn't care fucking less whether or not I'm spelling her
fucking name right) is single-handedly responsible for the Cosby Show
crashing into the fucking mountain. Not that I liked the Cosby Show
in the slightest bit, but I at least somewhat respected it before they
jumped on the "People are bored with our show so we need to add a little
kid" bandwagon. Then she was on Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. And
even though that show sucked for loads of reasons, I'm going to put all of
the blame on Raven. Because I fucking hate her. Then Raven had
a singing career, and all the stupid homemaking soccer moms went to the
Wall or Sam Goody (which are thankfully gone forever) to buy their spoiled
bratty daughters and effeminate sons her fucking CD. Well that's not
the worst thing. No, the worst thing is that now she has a fucking
video game coming out for Gameboy Advance.
 As
you can see, it looks almost as fucking awesome as the Barbie game for
Nintendo. Can't wait to play this gem. Awesome. Raven
must be stopped at all costs.
I can't imagine what market this
gaming company is trying to shit on, but if I've learned anything in the
200 years I've been alive (I'm a vampire... SHH!), it's that
middle-aged soccer moms will fucking buy anything just to shut their whiny
fucking brats up. And encourage their ADD, but that's another story
altogether.
Look at this picture. First,
there's Raven. In pink. Apparently, the point of this stupid
fucking game is to wander through high school, spraying poisonous gas
(which also happens to be pink) on dudes dressed like painters while your
friend (in purple leotards) stands behind you, striking the most sassy
pose possible, and probably shouts shit like, "You GO, girlfriend!
Spray dat muuuthafucka!" Oh, and between Raven and her colorblind
friend? Yes, that's fucking right. Kool-Aid Guy.
The Kool-Aid Guy. I'm guessing that the Kool-Aid Guy gives
Raven special powers, since she has three Kool-Aid Guys next to her
goddamned stupid face.
 One
thing I have noticed is that Raven's getting pretty fat. Look
at her. I think she just ate a small child or a midget. Her
upper arm is bigger than her melon fucking head, and her armpit makes
children across the land cry. And because she's 95% butter, what did
she decide to wear? That's right, skin-tight red leather. So
don't whine about how I'm making fun of your hero; she brings it all on
herself. Just try to look forward to when she starts doing bukake
porn when Disney starts its "Magic Condom" theme park and porn studio.
It will happen, I guarantee. And when it does, I'll be laughing.
That's right. All of the current Disney child/teen stars are future
porn stars, hookers, and jiz-moppers (for the back room of the strip club
that Hilary Duff will be working at about five years from now when her
career dries up because she can't play a convincing high school chick
anymore due to all the track marks, cold sores, and yellow eyes; then she
will have to dance for nickels). Raven Simone - fuck you! |
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