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MTV STRIKES AGAIN
MTV never ceases to amaze me. I thought they had scraped the bottom
of the barrel when they came out with that Newlyweds show. I
thought, "This show's going to fail. Who will have the right
combination of
 boredom and retardation
needed to religiously watch a show about some douche from a boy band and
his dumbass (albeit hot) wife? No one." Oh, how I was wrong. Then MTV
found out that they could appeal to an even lower common denominator: the deepest,
dankest sewer on Earth where the extremely untalented Ashlee Simpson lived
and gave her a show where they carefully gloss over all the times she's
booed off stage (which seems to happen a lot for some reason, go figure).
Now, MTV, undisputed kings
of terribly unwatchable garbage, have struck brown gold (that's what
people from Oklahoma call septic fluid) once again with
their new reality show PoweRGirls (and from now on, I'm writing "Powergirls"
because we can all agree that "PoweRGirls" is a gay way to spell
it). The
show is about socialite/missing link Lizzie Grubman's PR company, and both
of the episodes I kind of saw without sound featured Lizzie (that's her in
the middle) being ugly, bashing her team, and hanging out with
celebrities. Ooh... celebrities. Excuse me while I paw at
myself. The show seems to be based on how the girls are hot and get
into Hollywood parties to... uh, I guess be seen. I don't know.
It doesn't really matter.
Here's the thing: pubic relations (oops - I meant "public" - that's a
Freudian slip because I can't stop thinking about pubes) is all about
helping an up-and-coming singer/actor/kickboxing panda get lots of press
in order to be more recognizable to the sheep. However, Grubman's
crew seems to only try to meet up with already well-known celebrities.
Maybe it's because having Ja Rule grind his crotch into your ass on the
dance floor is every twenty-something girl's dream, or maybe it's because
they're retarded. Or maybe PR is as pointless as I originally
thought it was before I made up that thing about making actors more
recognizable. So basically they go to parties and award shows while
their boss, Lizzie, talks shit on the rest of them, most likely out of
jealousy. Seriously, they are all waaaaaaaaaaaay better looking than
her. Don't take my word for it though; check it out for yourself
while I go drop a deuce:
She's cute but wears
too many clothes.
She's good looking
in a high-end hooker kind of way.
The black girl's
definitely the best looking one on the show.
She's cute in a "My
dad's my brother" sort of way.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
OH GOD IT
BUUUUUURRRNS!!!!!
Good fucking lord,
she's nasty. You can almost see the tire marks on her
face from when the ugly truck drove over it. I'm not saying I'm a
big
prize myself or anything (even though I totally am), but it's not my job to be seen in public.
She looks like Gollum in a blonde wig. To fully appreciate how bad of a train wreck this is, here's an in-depth
chart of extreme problem areas:
On the front page of
her website, she
has two pictures of random celebrities that she probably has nothing to do
with, other than the possibility that she saw them at one of the exclusive
Hollywood parties she sneaked into. One is a picture of a half-dead
Keith Richards and the other is a picture of Aretha Franklin as she's
singing about her love of bacon.
Lizzie, I know that you put pictures
of a corpse and Aretha the Hutt on the front page of your website to make
yourself look more attractive, but do you think that in the future you
could find a picture of Aretha Franklin looking even fatter?
Seriously, look at her. Another unintentionally funny thing is the
placement of the pictures. It looks like Keith Richards is staring
in sheer horror at Aretha Franklin's 75 pound second chin. He's
probably thinking "Man, I think I can see a crystal meth lab hidden in the
crease between her chins. I bet if I smoked her face I'd get really
fucked up. Oh well, I'm off to my doctor so he can help me cheat
death for another week." And after that he went to put out another crappy Rolling Stones
album destined to be the next soundtrack to dentists' offices everywhere
and to embark on his tenth last world tour ever.
You might think that the premise for
this show alone is favored to win the "Stupidest Idea Ever" award, but it
gets worse. "How can it possibly get any worse than it already is?"
you ask? Well, when I first decided to write this page, a voice in
my head said "Just make fun of the main girl. It's not the other
girls' fault that she's a cunt and whored their company out on TV."
Then a second voice in my head told the first voice to stop being such a
pussy, and that was around the time I found many a quote from all of the
girls on the show while masochistically looking for pictures of the ugly
one on the internet. Here are some of their pearls of wisdom, taken
from MTV's
Powergirls website (my comments on the right):
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"I
am a Jersey girl, born and raised in Holmdel, not far from where
Bruce and Bon Jovi live, but not close to too much else. I have a
cat named Puddy, who lately has requested to go by P. Kitty. I grew
up in the restaurant business, and that has made a huge impact on my
life." ... "As far as my personal life, I have been with my
boyfriend for two years. His name is Nick and I call him Muffin." |
Ok,
so her claim to fame is that she grew up where Bruce Springsteen and
Bon Jovi live. Wow. Very interesting. Does
everyone see why I hate New Jersey? It's filled with people
like this. As if that doesn't prove she's an idiot, then you'd
have to agree that joking about changing her cat's name from Puddy to P. Kitty does.
Well, it at least proves that her sense of humor is the equivalent
of a kid in a helmet trying to pick David Hasselhoff's nose while
he's watching a rerun of Knight Rider. Bravo. Tell the
one about the horse walking into a bar again!
Oh, and she calls her boyfriend
Muffin, which is more of a knock against him than anything else. She also wears his genitals around her neck.
Later in the interview she
added, "Like my eyebrows? I drew them on there with a Crayola
marker. Muffin says they look bushy and sexy *giggle*." |
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"I
graduated from the prestigious school of California State University
Chico in northern California. Prestigious for what you ask? It was
rated the number one party school in Playboy magazine for
years except the year after I graduated (I think that's because I
was not there)." ... "Things I absolutely love are shopping, reading
for pleasure (trashy girly novels, books like Bergdorf Blondes
and Confessions of a Shopaholic). I love makeup and learning
new makeup tricks from photo shoots that I book." |
I'm
guessing it was the number one party school in Playboy magazine
while you went there from all the head you gave. Willingly
sucking dick is no way to spend your college years, young lady.
I mean, if you're freely fucking everyone, that means all the frat
boys at the school wasted lots and lots of money on roofies.
That's money they could have spent hiring hitmen to take care of all
of the 17-year-old girls they date-raped before you came along.
Not surprisingly, her biggest
hobbies are the same as Barbie's: shopping, trashy Danielle Steele
novels, and learning new makeup-applying techniques, which I'm
guessing are much harder to master than new kung-fu techniques. |
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"I
have a million friends, tons of clothes and happen to be bordering
on a shoe obsession, all of which make me absolutely perfect for the
PR world. I have plans to move into my first Manhattan apartment
all by myself and find a boyfriend." (ed. note: bold text by me
for obvious reasons) ... "I am very difficult when it comes to
food...I don't eat tomatoes, onions, carrots, cheese, peas, brussel
sprouts, salad (basically anything green), and plenty of other
things." |
I'm
so proud of this girl. She's moving into her first apartment
and she's only 24. Maybe you didn't hear me. This
24-year-old girl is moving into an apartment all by herself.
Look out, Manhattan - this girl's moving up to the big leagues and
bringing her legions of friends with her. Also, lock up the
shoes, because she's addicted to shoes. I'm guessing she eats
them, or maybe dresses them up in little outfits and has them
perform skits about why peas and carrots suck.
No one cares what kind of food
you don't like. All that's going to do is let us know which
vegetables you'd least like to have thrown at you by the many people
you're so clearly better than, Ms. 24-year-old apartment-renting
shoe-eater. |
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"..." |
Ok,
this girl, um... Yeah. I tried and tried to find
something she said about herself that I could make fun of, but all
she talked about is how she works her ass off. Therefore, she
must be the one at the company that everyone else shits on. She did mention that she has a poetry-writing hippie sister, though,
and I hate hippies. So maybe I feel a little bad for this one
because she's not showing any signs of being a superficial cunt like
the rest of them. But damn her hippie sister. |
Now back to Grubman. Her bio on the MTV website talks about all the
great charity work she's done and how she started her company and blah
blah blah, but it fails to bring up how she ran over 16 people in front of
a nightclub in 2001. Here's the story from
The
Smoking Gun:
Lizzie Grubman was photographed in October 2002
at the Suffolk County Jail, where she surrendered to serve a 60-day
sentence. The 31-year-old public relations princess pleaded guilty to
felony and misdemeanor charges arising from a July 2001 incident in
which she plowed her SUV into a crowd, injuring 16 people waiting
outside a Hamptons nightclub.
What a fucking bitch. She's
even literally looking down her nose at people while getting her mugshot
taken. Before running people over, she called the guy who told her
to move her car white trash. What a cunt. She may be rich and
wear nice clothes, but she sure has the face of an inbred trailer park
whore. In fact, in order to help the general public, here are some
suggestions for MTV to make Lizzie Grubman less of an eyesore:
Or:
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