I turn on Good Day
Philadelphia on fucking Fox every morning as I try to muster the energy to get
out of bed. Watching Good Day Philadelphia (from here on out known as GDP because I'm too
lazy to type the whole fucking thing and I think I'm getting carpal tunnel
anyway) is like masturbating in a public restroom. Sure, you can
take care of some business in there if you really have to, but you feel extra
dirty for doing it and if you get caught it's eight times the amount of shame
you'd feel if you just got caught in your own room. It's the same thing with
watching GDP; you know they're not telling you anything worth knowing besides a
random traffic tips and weather every so often, you know you shouldn't be
watching it, you feel like a bed-wetter while watching it, and when other people
find out about it, they constantly make fun of you. It's not real news, although
they'd love to debate that, I'm sure. But, because the TV in my
bedroom doesn't get channels 14-60 for some strange reason, it's either GDP,
CNN, or some crappy movie on Comedy Central (like goddamned Born in East LA;
fuck you, Cheech - you're nothing without Chong), so I go with GDP (because one
of the anchor women is kind of hot, at least when I first wake up and can't see
straight anyway). The only problem is that after I watch it
for ten minutes and turn it off, I can't help but feel like I just jerked off in
a public restroom.
Anyway, The real reason I hate Good Day Philadelphia is because the "news"
stories they have, at least by 7:30, are the most trivial fucking garbage that
no one in their right mind would care about. Here, for your reading
pleasure, is an analysis of the goobers that are on this crap-fest.
Say hello to George Mallet. You might think that's a
rockin' last name, being a giant hammer that pounds cartoon characters and
the spies from Spy Vs. Spy and all, but no. He pronounces it "mallAY."
As in "ballet" or "buffet." I hate when people try to make their names
sound French. If you don't have a snooty accent, say your name the way
it reads. Don't try to be fancy. Look at Jimmy Buffet. He
sucks ass, but he at least knew enough to make sure that no one could
confuse his name with a $12 fatass feeding frenzy.
Like Jennaphr Frederick
(another pitiful attempt at having an original name, but I'll get to her
later) and Janet Zappala, he joins in the constant berating and harassment
of helicopter traffic guy and future serial killer Steve Keeley. When
this guy's fingers, toes, and probably genitals are lopped off and fed to
rats, don't feel bad for him. He has it coming. Trust me.
The worst part is that he seems to do or say whatever the two women say and
do about anything. They harass Keeley, he harasses Keeley. They're on
the rag, he's got the tampon supply under control (they're in his purse;
SHH!!) They harass Mallet himself, and he takes it with a dopey smile
and retarded comment. Forget what I said about Keeley chopping off his
balls. This guy's been castrated years ago.
This is Jennaphr Frederick, and you don't have to be a
sociologist to know that her parents think they're clever and want everyone
else to think that, too. "Jennaphr," get the fuck out of here.
You might as well have named her "clever spelling of a normal name," or "my
parents are fucking jackasses." When I meet someone that spells their
name in an ass-backwards goofy way, I think one thing and one thing only: I
hate your parents, they shouldn't have been allowed to spread their tainted
genes, and I'm sorry that they fed you paint chips when you were a child
(because they're obviously too stupid to know the difference between food
Anyway, she's like an anchor now or something even though
the website calls her a "co-host." A co-host. On a "news" show.
Maybe I'll just start calling her Andy Richter. Hey, and maybe she'll
come out with a sitcom about quintuplets. Oh, wait... Back to my
point, she is the #2 shit-talker on Steve Keeley. Therefore, she is
the second person he will kill in his rampage. Here's a hint, retard:
don't fuck with someone that can AND WILL crash a helicopter on your face.
Say "hi" to Kerri Lee Halkett! She's the
somewhat hot one on the show. Actually, I think she quit this garbage
for another news show, but whatever. She is (was?) one of the anchors.
I never see her on here anymore. My theory is that Steve Keeley
(psychotic guy in the helicopter) ate her. From what I hear, she was
Back when she was a non-eaten anchor lady, she wasn't really
annoying. However, I'm comparing her to the rest of the sub-normals
bouncing around the set of this ass-fest. Also, I am somewhat biased
because she's better looking than the rest of the women on the show.
And yes, I'm calling it a show because it's not much of a news show.
Not that I ever watch the news, anyway.
My girlfriend asks me why I watch GDP in the morning when I wake up
instead of legitimate news. I don't really have an answer for that.
Maybe I'm just masochistic. Don't judge me. When you see me
tearing down the street in assless leather chaps with a zipper-mouth mask,
don't fucking judge me.
Oh Janet Zappala, how I fucking hate thee. I'm pretty
sure she took over Kerri Lee's job as anchor-woman. Look at her.
Look long and hard at that picture. She's trying so goddamned hard to
look 22 years old. She likes to think she's hot. Hey, she likes
to think she's model-hot, or porn star-hot. Seriously, she is.
Look at that pose she's striking. It looks like somebody's ramming her
from behind. She's fucking bent over. She has to be. The
only other viable excuse for posing like that is for her to be hunchbacked,
and (although really, really funny) I'm pretty sure she's not. She
also has a Crawford-esque beauty mark. Aww, how precious. Let me
get my toenail clippers, I'll be right back. SNIP.
She pretty much
controls the show. George Mallet is her bitch. Jennaphr whatever
tries to knock her down a peg in their constant struggle for supreme bitch
behind the desk, but ol' Janet isn't giving up the reins that easily.
I think that's why she always starts talking shit on Steve Keeley. She
knows that you can't help but make fun of him, and if she starts it, the
rest of the sheep will follow. I swear she says shit about him being
gay, too. I don't know if he is or not, and I don't care, but she does
it because you can see the anger about to explode out of his face, turning
him into the Incredible Hulk.
Sue Serio. Goddamned Sue Serio. Wow. I
hate her. I really do. She's the token chunky reporter that's
peppier than a coked-up cheerleader. As you can see by the photo, she
loooooves cheeseburgers. And curly fries. Look at the lust for
food in her eye. She can't wait to eat something. She can snap
at any second, so you'd better beware. Rumor has it that everyone
looks like a basted turkey to her. We are all her food. Run for
Philadelphia's website, they call her the weathercaster. Aside
from the fact that her title sounds like some type of Dungeons and Dragons
thing (or whatever), she does the stupid human interest stories in addition
to jubilantly telling everyone it's going to be a great day even when deadly
T-Storms are poised to melt the city. Nothing makes her happier than
the weather. Except, of course, gravy and lots of it.
These human interest stories I'm referring to usually have to do with her
gorging herself at a bakery. Sometimes she visits a kindergarten class
in hopes of nabbing a small, delicious child-snack. Here's a glimpse
into her thought process: "Nap time... TELL THEM IT'S NAP TIME....
When they sleep, the tasty young snacks will be defenseless... When
they sleep, I shall have my sustenance. Oh yes, they will all be mine,
dipped in chocolate, and pumped full of delicious creamy butter..."
Then the camera catches her staring off into space while licking her lips
for a few minutes. You know what she's thinking.
Here he is, the serial killer-to-be himself, Steve Keeley.
I couldn't have asked for a better picture than the one on the
website. Behind the bad toupee is the heart of a guy that
desperately seeks vengeance on his tormentors, the three bourgeois fucks
behind the desk in the comfort of their bunker-I mean-studio. He flies
around in his helicopter all morning listening to Janet Zappala call him gay
while the other two sheep laugh along. Take a look at the expression
on his face. Look at his evil cold, dead stare, the forced half-smile
(which looks much more like a smirk to me because he knows that he will one
day dismember them and eat their flesh), and, once again, the bad toupee.
Seriously, dude; you're not fooling any of us. Look at that shit!
You can almost see the lining. Terrible.
Anyway, he flies around all
day in his helicopter, looking at traffic jams, emotionlessly rattling off
traffic tips, and silently plotting his revenge. One day, I swear, he
will nosedive that motherfucker right into the studio like a kamikaze
superstar. It's only a matter of time. I'm actually routing for
the guy, too. If I were him, having to listen to people talking shit
on me five hours a day, five days a week, I'd want to drink their blood too.
Now that you know the
"personalities" on this show, let's run through a typical episode of Good Day
Philadelphia (well, starting at 7:30 because that's when I wake up).
Usually, Sue Serio is busy either taste-testing food at a restaurant/bakery/gravy
factory, in a
kindergarten class for story time, or doing something equally pointless. Then
they'll talk to
Dorothy Krysiuk (who I didn't make fun of because all she does is give
traffic tips, i.e. something informative without being a douche) in the studio about the weather, but you don't
listen to her because you're trying to figure out how long she has to hold her
wet finger in an electrical outlet to get her Goldilocks-on-crack hair to look
like that. Seriously, it looks like someone stole her brain, replaced it with
curly spaghetti, and said spaghetti is desperately trying to escape. Then
Kerri Lee is mysteriously replaced by Janet Zappala,
the much less attractive but much more conceited bloody cunt-rag with her chin pointed up
so high it's obvious to everyone not sucking on their thumb that she's
looking down her nose at all of us peons. "Oh yeah, bitch? We all worship you
for being on a local human-interest news show! Please never go away! We'll all
die without you!" Get the fuck out of here, bitch. You're a third-rate anchor
woman on a crappy local news show that's basically a three-hour commercial for
Fox TV reality show propaganda, and you're nowhere near as attractive as you think you are.
Maybe you were 20 years ago, but we can see past all that plaster caked on your
face, so stop being so fucking arrogant. Wow. Tangent. Anyway, she and Jennaphr
Frederick, the woman that materialized out of nowhere, start busting George
balls for a while (until he starts to cry because he's a bitch), and then they go to traffic.
For traffic, we go to Steve Keeley in his helicopter, and we get to take bets on
when the nervous breakdown happens.
Maybe that's why I watch Good Day Philadelphia; I'm waiting for the bloodbath. Everyone on GDP rips
on Steve Keeley CONSTANTLY. Everyone. He'll be trying to give a traffic
report on 422 (as if anyone fucking cared; at least I don't), and stuck-up
Zappala will make not-too-subtle insinuations that he's impotent. And gay.
Seriously. Then Frederick will make fun of his suit. Then the Mallet, probably happy as shit that
the assholes he works with are directing their insults to someone else, hops in
and starts mocking him. I swear, by the time he's done with his traffic report,
he's all huffy and looks like he's going to cry and crash his traffic-copter
into the studio in an attempt to kill everybody. Poor dude, but that's what you
get for being a sellout on GDP. Everyone makes fun of the
helicopter reporters. Everyone.
Now, I'm finally getting to the inspiration of this... article, if
you will: every fucking day, the biggest goddamned "news" story they can come up
with is the latest American fucking Idol events. And by "biggest 'news' story,"
I mean the one that they spend the most time on in relation to any other "news"
story. Yes, "news" deserves to be in quotes. "There's been a shooting in the
Gray's Ferry section of the city today. Two dead, and many children wounded.
Also something about Armageddon, and Iraq's still getting pissed at us for
killing its people and screaming for bloody vengeance. But enough about that,
what's new with American Idol?" I have your answer: who fucking cares? Why is
this even important enough to be considered news? Why are they wasting my
goddamned time? I can see doing little special interest stories on a local
restaurant or an elementary school; at least they're real places in the area and
people that someone might want to check them out or hear about them or whatever.
Fine. But American Idol? Come the fuck on! And I don't want any assholes arguing
with me by saying, "*blubber-sob* But the people on American Idol are real
people too! They are trying hard to be somebody! I'm a walking vagina!" Be
somebody? Please. More like being a tool of the media. These people are such
pussies that they FUCKING CRY when some sloppy british fuck tells them that they
can't sing. And you know what? He's probably right. You can't sing. Now stop
fucking crying, drop the delusions of grandeur, and get a real goddamned job.
I'll even personally smack you all upside your melon fucking heads to get the
stars out of your eyes myself. Fuckers. Anyway, GDP will talk about who got
kicked off, why the british tool is an asshole to all these wonderful morons
that we're supposed to look up to as role models because they're on a glorified game
show/beauty pageant, and the stories they run on this garbage are about ten
minutes long. Every goddamned day. American Idol: fuck you! Same goes to you Fox Adverti... I mean, Good Day Philadelphia.
*This was originally written in April
'04. Yes, I know
American Idol ended. Are you kidding? I throw a fucking party when
that shit goes off the air because I now have the privilege of not hearing about
that bullshit for a few months before the next sideshow starts.
REPLY ALL DEAD POOL