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_______________________________________________. . .This is news?


I turn on Good Day Philadelphia on fucking Fox every morning as I try to muster the energy to get out of bed. Watching Good Day Philadelphia (from here on out known as GDP because I'm too lazy to type the whole fucking thing and I think I'm getting carpal tunnel anyway) is like masturbating in a public restroom. Sure, you can take care of some business in there if you really have to, but you feel extra dirty for doing it and if you get caught it's eight times the amount of shame you'd feel if you just got caught in your own room. It's the same thing with watching GDP; you know they're not telling you anything worth knowing besides a random traffic tips and weather every so often, you know you shouldn't be watching it, you feel like a bed-wetter while watching it, and when other people find out about it, they constantly make fun of you. It's not real news, although they'd love to debate that, I'm sure.  But, because the TV in my bedroom doesn't get channels 14-60 for some strange reason, it's either GDP, CNN, or some crappy movie on Comedy Central (like goddamned Born in East LA; fuck you, Cheech - you're nothing without Chong), so I go with GDP (because one of the anchor women is kind of hot, at least when I first wake up and can't see straight anyway). The only problem is that after I watch it for ten minutes and turn it off, I can't help but feel like I just jerked off in a public restroom.

Anyway, The real reason I hate Good Day Philadelphia is because the "news" stories they have, at least by 7:30, are the most trivial fucking garbage that no one in their right mind would care about.  Here, for your reading pleasure, is an analysis of the goobers that are on this crap-fest.

Say hello to George Mallet.  You might think that's a rockin' last name, being a giant hammer that pounds cartoon characters and the spies from Spy Vs. Spy and all, but no.  He pronounces it "mallAY."  As in "ballet" or "buffet."  I hate when people try to make their names sound French.  If you don't have a snooty accent, say your name the way it reads.  Don't try to be fancy.  Look at Jimmy Buffet.  He sucks ass, but he at least knew enough to make sure that no one could confuse his name with a $12 fatass feeding frenzy.

Like Jennaphr Frederick (another pitiful attempt at having an original name, but I'll get to her later) and Janet Zappala, he joins in the constant berating and harassment of helicopter traffic guy and future serial killer Steve Keeley.  When this guy's fingers, toes, and probably genitals are lopped off and fed to rats, don't feel bad for him.  He has it coming.  Trust me.  The worst part is that he seems to do or say whatever the two women say and do about anything.  They harass Keeley, he harasses Keeley. They're on the rag, he's got the tampon supply under control (they're in his purse; SHH!!)  They harass Mallet himself, and he takes it with a dopey smile and retarded comment.  Forget what I said about Keeley chopping off his balls.  This guy's been castrated years ago.


This is Jennaphr Frederick, and you don't have to be a sociologist to know that her parents think they're clever and want everyone else to think that, too.  "Jennaphr," get the fuck out of here.  You might as well have named her "clever spelling of a normal name," or "my parents are fucking jackasses."  When I meet someone that spells their name in an ass-backwards goofy way, I think one thing and one thing only: I hate your parents, they shouldn't have been allowed to spread their tainted genes, and I'm sorry that they fed you paint chips when you were a child (because they're obviously too stupid to know the difference between food and non-food).

Anyway, she's like an anchor now or something even though the website calls her a "co-host."  A co-host.  On a "news" show.  Maybe I'll just start calling her Andy Richter.  Hey, and maybe she'll come out with a sitcom about quintuplets.  Oh, wait...  Back to my point, she is the #2 shit-talker on Steve Keeley.  Therefore, she is the second person he will kill in his rampage.  Here's a hint, retard: don't fuck with someone that can AND WILL crash a helicopter on your face.


Say "hi" to Kerri Lee Halkett!  She's the somewhat hot one on the show.  Actually, I think she quit this garbage for another news show, but whatever.  She is (was?) one of the anchors.  I never see her on here anymore.  My theory is that Steve Keeley (psychotic guy in the helicopter) ate her.  From what I hear, she was delicious.

Back when she was a non-eaten anchor lady, she wasn't really annoying.  However, I'm comparing her to the rest of the sub-normals bouncing around the set of this ass-fest.  Also, I am somewhat biased because she's better looking than the rest of the women on the show.  And yes, I'm calling it a show because it's not much of a news show.  Not that I ever watch the news, anyway.

My girlfriend asks me why I watch GDP in the morning when I wake up instead of legitimate news. I don't really have an answer for that.  Maybe I'm just masochistic.  Don't judge me.  When you see me tearing down the street in assless leather chaps with a zipper-mouth mask, don't fucking judge me.


Oh Janet Zappala, how I fucking hate thee.  I'm pretty sure she took over Kerri Lee's job as anchor-woman.  Look at her.  Look long and hard at that picture.  She's trying so goddamned hard to look 22 years old.  She likes to think she's hot.  Hey, she likes to think she's model-hot, or porn star-hot.  Seriously, she is.  Look at that pose she's striking.  It looks like somebody's ramming her from behind.  She's fucking bent over.  She has to be.  The only other viable excuse for posing like that is for her to be hunchbacked, and (although really, really funny) I'm pretty sure she's not.  She also has a Crawford-esque beauty mark.  Aww, how precious.  Let me get my toenail clippers, I'll be right back.  SNIP.

She pretty much controls the show.  George Mallet is her bitch.  Jennaphr whatever tries to knock her down a peg in their constant struggle for supreme bitch behind the desk, but ol' Janet isn't giving up the reins that easily.  I think that's why she always starts talking shit on Steve Keeley.  She knows that you can't help but make fun of him, and if she starts it, the rest of the sheep will follow.  I swear she says shit about him being gay, too.  I don't know if he is or not, and I don't care, but she does it because you can see the anger about to explode out of his face, turning him into the Incredible Hulk.


Sue Serio.  Goddamned Sue Serio.  Wow.  I hate her.  I really do.  She's the token chunky reporter that's peppier than a coked-up cheerleader.  As you can see by the photo, she loooooves cheeseburgers.  And curly fries.  Look at the lust for food in her eye.  She can't wait to eat something.  She can snap at any second, so you'd better beware.  Rumor has it that everyone looks like a basted turkey to her.  We are all her food.  Run for cover.

On Good Day Philadelphia's website, they call her the weathercaster.  Aside from the fact that her title sounds like some type of Dungeons and Dragons thing (or whatever), she does the stupid human interest stories in addition to jubilantly telling everyone it's going to be a great day even when deadly T-Storms are poised to melt the city.  Nothing makes her happier than the weather.  Except, of course, gravy and lots of it.

These human interest stories I'm referring to usually have to do with her gorging herself at a bakery.  Sometimes she visits a kindergarten class in hopes of nabbing a small, delicious child-snack.  Here's a glimpse into her thought process: "Nap time...  TELL THEM IT'S NAP TIME....  When they sleep, the tasty young snacks will be defenseless...  When they sleep, I shall have my sustenance.  Oh yes, they will all be mine, dipped in chocolate, and pumped full of delicious creamy butter..."  Then the camera catches her staring off into space while licking her lips for a few minutes.  You know what she's thinking.


Here he is, the serial killer-to-be himself, Steve Keeley.  I couldn't have asked for a better picture than the one on the GDP website.  Behind the bad toupee is the heart of a guy that desperately seeks vengeance on his tormentors, the three bourgeois fucks behind the desk in the comfort of their bunker-I mean-studio.  He flies around in his helicopter all morning listening to Janet Zappala call him gay while the other two sheep laugh along.  Take a look at the expression on his face.  Look at his evil cold, dead stare, the forced half-smile (which looks much more like a smirk to me because he knows that he will one day dismember them and eat their flesh), and, once again, the bad toupee.  Seriously, dude; you're not fooling any of us.  Look at that shit!  You can almost see the lining.  Terrible.

Anyway, he flies around all day in his helicopter, looking at traffic jams, emotionlessly rattling off traffic tips, and silently plotting his revenge.  One day, I swear, he will nosedive that motherfucker right into the studio like a kamikaze superstar.  It's only a matter of time.  I'm actually routing for the guy, too.  If I were him, having to listen to people talking shit on me five hours a day, five days a week, I'd want to drink their blood too.

Now that you know the "personalities" on this show, let's run through a typical episode of Good Day Philadelphia (well, starting at 7:30 because that's when I wake up).  Usually, Sue Serio is busy either taste-testing food at a restaurant/bakery/gravy factory, in a kindergarten class for story time, or doing something equally pointless. Then they'll talk to Dorothy Krysiuk (who I didn't make fun of because all she does is give traffic tips, i.e. something informative without being a douche) in the studio about the weather, but you don't listen to her because you're trying to figure out how long she has to hold her wet finger in an electrical outlet to get her Goldilocks-on-crack hair to look like that. Seriously, it looks like someone stole her brain, replaced it with curly spaghetti, and said spaghetti is desperately trying to escape.  Then Kerri Lee is mysteriously replaced by Janet Zappala, the much less attractive but much more conceited bloody cunt-rag with her chin pointed up so high it's obvious to everyone not sucking on their thumb that she's looking down her nose at all of us peons. "Oh yeah, bitch? We all worship you for being on a local human-interest news show! Please never go away! We'll all die without you!" Get the fuck out of here, bitch. You're a third-rate anchor woman on a crappy local news show that's basically a three-hour commercial for Fox TV reality show propaganda, and you're nowhere near as attractive as you think you are. Maybe you were 20 years ago, but we can see past all that plaster caked on your face, so stop being so fucking arrogant. Wow. Tangent. Anyway, she and Jennaphr Frederick, the woman that materialized out of nowhere, start busting George Mallet's balls for a while (until he starts to cry because he's a bitch), and then they go to traffic. For traffic, we go to Steve Keeley in his helicopter, and we get to take bets on when the nervous breakdown happens. Maybe that's why I watch Good Day Philadelphia; I'm waiting for the bloodbath. Everyone on GDP rips on Steve Keeley CONSTANTLY. Everyone. He'll be trying to give a traffic report on 422 (as if anyone fucking cared; at least I don't), and stuck-up Zappala will make not-too-subtle insinuations that he's impotent.  And gay.  Seriously.  Then Frederick will make fun of his suit. Then the Mallet, probably happy as shit that the assholes he works with are directing their insults to someone else, hops in and starts mocking him. I swear, by the time he's done with his traffic report, he's all huffy and looks like he's going to cry and crash his traffic-copter into the studio in an attempt to kill everybody. Poor dude, but that's what you get for being a sellout on GDP.  Everyone makes fun of the helicopter reporters.  Everyone.

Now, I'm finally getting to the inspiration of this... article, if you will: every fucking day, the biggest goddamned "news" story they can come up with is the latest American fucking Idol events. And by "biggest 'news' story," I mean the one that they spend the most time on in relation to any other "news" story. Yes, "news" deserves to be in quotes. "There's been a shooting in the Gray's Ferry section of the city today. Two dead, and many children wounded. Also something about Armageddon, and Iraq's still getting pissed at us for killing its people and screaming for bloody vengeance. But enough about that, what's new with American Idol?" I have your answer: who fucking cares? Why is this even important enough to be considered news? Why are they wasting my goddamned time? I can see doing little special interest stories on a local restaurant or an elementary school; at least they're real places in the area and people that someone might want to check them out or hear about them or whatever. Fine. But American Idol? Come the fuck on! And I don't want any assholes arguing with me by saying, "*blubber-sob* But the people on American Idol are real people too! They are trying hard to be somebody! I'm a walking vagina!" Be somebody? Please. More like being a tool of the media. These people are such pussies that they FUCKING CRY when some sloppy british fuck tells them that they can't sing. And you know what? He's probably right. You can't sing. Now stop fucking crying, drop the delusions of grandeur, and get a real goddamned job. I'll even personally smack you all upside your melon fucking heads to get the stars out of your eyes myself. Fuckers. Anyway, GDP will talk about who got kicked off, why the british tool is an asshole to all these wonderful morons that we're supposed to look up to as role models because they're on a glorified game show/beauty pageant, and the stories they run on this garbage are about ten minutes long. Every goddamned day. American Idol: fuck you! Same goes to you Fox Adverti... I mean, Good Day Philadelphia.

*This was originally written in April '04.  Yes, I know American Idol ended.  Are you kidding?  I throw a fucking party when that shit goes off the air because I now have the privilege of not hearing about that bullshit for a few months before the next sideshow starts.





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