Last night, I was at a friend's house, and we saw the stupidest show that has ever been created.  First of all, it's on A&E, a network most known for it's crappy "I love the British" mystery shows.  Like the one with the French guy with the twirly mustache.  That's right, wrap your head around that one.  A&E also puts the goddamned half-retarded Gotti's on TV every week, and that's their most popular reality show.  However, to really swing balls-to-the-wall with the reality TV craze that won't go away, they need several reality shows.  A&E's answer?  Dog: The Bounty Hunter.  And holy shit it's hilariously bad.

Seriously, it's fucking awful.  Check out his website, but beware that it loops the chorus of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" over and over and over.  Yeah.  The Baha Men.  You've been warned.

Here is a direct, I-swear-I'm-not-bull-shitting-you-in-any-way quote from his website (Dog's unique approach to grammar is perfectly recreated to ensure hilarity):

Dog is the greatest bounty hunter in the world

• "From 18 to 80 Blind Crippled or Crazy If they can't walk or crawl we'll Drag Em Back".

• Over 6,000 captures

• Any body, Any Time, Any where

• County State or Federal warrants

• Includes: Fugitives From justice, Bail Jumpers, F.B.I. Top Ten, Kidnappings

• [editor's note: brace yourself for you will fall over laughing just like I did] Any one with a warrant becomes dog's prey

What a stupid asshole.  We watched two episodes of this shit.  Two.  And we laughed the entire time.  Dog constantly, CONSTANTLY spouted cheesy cliché lines that were obviously too bad for even the worst Sylvester Stallone movie.  In one episode, he got new cowboy boots, spurs and all, and he repeatedly said "These boots were made for walkin'.  That's just what they'll do.  An', uh, you better be careful or these boots WILL step on you."  Yeah.

Obviously this guy loves Lorenzo Lamas and the Renegade series.  I did too when I was 13, but pretty much because it was so bad it's funny.  Kind of like MacGyver.  Anyway, see if you can even tell the difference between Dog and Renegade:

Here's the entire group of cliché-spouting subnormals.  Tim Chapman is Dog's brother.  He's rocking a shaved-head mullet and Terry stash.  Classy.  Then there's Leland who is Dog's kid.  One episode there was some whole big thing on how Dog didn't meet Leland until the kid was 8, and Leland was afraid of Dog.  Not because he's scary, but because Leland knew from that day forward he couldn't escape his fate of being total white trash.  Whatever.  Also, Leland is apparently the only one of his brothers and sisters to have graduated high school.  Wow.  That's terrible.  I'm assuming the reason is because the brothers got the sisters pregnant.  Then there's the Beth woman.  She's Dog's wife and is really fat.  In the picture below, look at the size of her Orca-arm.  As the crew was getting ready to apprehend a "dangerous" criminal, she was putting on lots and lots of makeup, probably to draw attention away from her huge ass.  Being that these people are all white trash, you know that they're all plugging her.  And yes, that's gross.  Justin is Dog's nephew.  All I have to say about him is that he has the Air Jordan logo tattooed on his shoulder.  And yes, that's really gay.

If you're anything like me, you never think of bounty hunting as a valid career.  At what point in your life do you stop what you're doing and say, "You know what?  I like leather clothes and fighting crime.  From this day forward, I will be... a bounty hunter.  Diamond heisters of the Southwest, beware!"  That's just stupid.  Plus, who needs the services of a bounty hunter these days anyway?  Let me explain: in my mind, bounty hunters go after train robbers, cattle thieves, and Mexican crime lords.  Not these bounty hunters though.  The first guy they went after was a 19-year-old Taco Bell toilet scrubber guilty of - get this - missing his court date for a DUI.  Ooooh, thank god he's been apprehended.  I was afraid to leave my house!  The second guy they arrested was a 50-year-old heroin addict picked up for missing his NA meetings.  Good thing we have bounty hunters!  This 50-year-old bald-headed junkie told Dog and crew that "it was a pleasure to be arrested by you guys."  Man, fuck that.  Then they went to Hawaii (is that where the show is based?  Does it matter?) to set up a diabolical trap to arrest a Samoan dude for missing a bail bonds payment or some shit.  I don't know how that all works, but it raises a question.  Aren't there cops in these areas?  I mean really, they're going after underage drunk drivers, half-dead heroin addicts and people with no money for their court fines, but not redneck terrorists or vampires? You don't need bounty hunters for that shit.  Plus, the first guy was at his job, the second guy was at his house, and the third guy they called at his house and told him to come in.  Nice detective work, assholes.  It's sad that it is taking these people no skill whatsoever to capture these minor delinquents and the local cops haven't done it yet.  Weak.  Fucking weak.  In Renegade, the crew would take down people with meth labs in their basements, rings of bank robbing jewel thieves, and international assassins.  I never once saw Lorenzo Lamas (or even Bobby Six-Killer for that matter) arrest some asshole for not paying a fine, especially not with extreme prejudice.

My favorite part of the show was at the end when they gave a moral to live our law-abiding lives by.  It was basically "it's hard for convicts to get a job so they turn back to the criminal life to feed their poor families.  Please hire ex-cons." There were also "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" speeches generously dropped in during the show.

Another unintentionally awesome thing about the show is the lower right-hand corner logo.  You know what I'm talking about, the translucent network logo that every channel has on every show to help you remember what channel you're watching.  Well his was an animated Dog character that strikes a professional wrestler pose, grabs the "Dog: the Bounty Hunter blah blah blah" blurb, throws it off-screen, and replaces it with the A&E logo.  I saw it after every commercial break and it never stopped being hilarious.

Dog has no real weapons.  None that I could see anyway.  He had a tazer, a thermos, an air-horn, maybe a can of mace or two, and a rolled-up USA Today.  Look out, fugitives.  Motherfucker didn't even have a gun.  What kind of bounty hunter doesn't have a fucking gun?  Even a little handgun would be okay.  Sure, it's not an Uzi or an AK-47 or even an acid-filled water balloon, but at least it's something.  What criminal is going to be afraid of an old David Lee Roth look-a-like dressed as a gay biker and armed with the spurs on his cowboy boots?  The only way a criminal would be rendered defenseless from that getup is if he's laughing too hard to stand up.

Oh yes, there is a Dog quiz on the internet.  Forget the quiz for a minute.  I just want to point out that the beast is wearing leather belts on her arms like she just came out of a Genitorturers show.  I took this quiz, filling out the answers as I'd imagine an ass-kicking, take-no-shit bounty hunter would. Here are some of the questions and my answers (because some of the questions aren't worth mentioning), with the actual questions/answers in green and my comments in white:

1. A good way to entice a fugitive into a particular place is by: c) Threaten to go after his family unless he shows up to a particular place and time
   If I'm a bounty hunter, I'm the kind that doesn't take any of your shit.  If your criminal ass is giving me a hard time, I'll kill your family and eat any babies you have lying around your crime-house.  Sure, there are other ways of catching you that don't involve baby-eating, but if I wanted to use any pussy non-violent methods of preventing evil, I'd be a crossing guard in Fairy Land.  Fuck that.  I'm a goddamned bounty hunter, and since there is no diplomacy in the seedy cut-throat underworld of bounty hunting, I kill everyone that crosses me.

2. Dog's ideal location for a capture is: b) A remote place- you against him, mano e mano.
   If movies have taught me anything, it's that the only way to apprehend dangerous criminal masterminds is in either an abandoned but still working factory, a quarry, a haunted campground, or in the circle of death.  While normally to be a kick-ass bounty hunter you should always endanger the general public any chance you get, you save that for lowly henchmen.  For the gang leader or whatever, it has to be a deadly showdown between the two of you where the weaker one always dies a grizzly death and the winner gets the moderately hot girl and saves the orphanage.

3. Dog uses a lot of resources for finding someone who is continually on the move. The best one is: b) Dogs- those suckers can sniff across state lines!
   For this one, I could be a pussy and do some pencil pushing like checking phone bills, but fuck that, that stuff is for big, leaky walking vaginas.  I did want to check a costume shop since criminals like to dress up as monsters to scare people away from the diamond mines until some meddling kids come along and screw things up with wacky elaborate plans of justice, but fuck the costume thing too.  I had to pick rabid dogs.  I mean come on - those suckers can sniff across state lines!  AND tear through human flesh!  Whoo!

4. You corner your fugitive- and his rottweiler. You don’t know if the dog has been trained to attack or not, but he obviously knows his owner doesn’t like you. He starts growling. You: b) Grab the fugitive and use him as a shield against the dog if it attacks.
   Well, my first crime-fighting instinct would be to challenge the angry dog to a break-dancing competition, but that option wasn't available in the bounty hunting quiz.  One option was to stand still to not provoke the dog.  Dude, I'm a bounty hunter, not a little bitch.  Cowering in fear is for pussies, not crime-fighters.  And while I am a hardened freelance vigilante, I don't want my arm shredded by an angry attack dog, so I'm not grabbing said angry mutt's fucking ears and performing whatever voodoo animal control techniques Dog assumes I learned in bounty hunting night school, so I'll do the next best thing: feed the dog his own owner.  Jails are way too overcrowded, and my corpse pit is already overflowing with dead evil-doers, so it's the only logical choice.  Plus, if some pussy is hiding behind a vicious dog, he's probably weak and scrawny so he'll be easy to grab.

I filled out the bounty hunter SATs and I scored a rank of TOP DOG.  Eat it, you bitch.  Here's what Dog says about being a top dog:

Your instincts, brains and determination to "get the bad guy" mean you have potential to be a top bounty hunter.  It's a dangerous job, but danger isn't something you shy away from.  Just remember- even if you do become a bounty hunter, even one of the best- you'll never be THE BEST.  That's Dog's territory- and he's not going anywhere.  He puts it best: "Born on a mountain, raised in a cave.  Arresting fugitives is all I crave."

Well, I do live for danger.  Jebus.  What a tool.  "Born on a mountain, raised in a cave"?  Please, bitch.  You were born and raised in a trailer park.  You're not fooling anyone.  Plus, I don't know how being raised in a cave can possibly help you arrest people, unless you practiced apprehending bears in those caves when you were young.  Whatever.  I don't know why he feels to make every sentence that pours out of his ass rhyme, but now that I'm top dog, I don't have to worry about such bullshit.  I just have to start killing people.

Dog, here's a tip: you are a jackass and people are laughing at you.  I feel like it's my job as TOP DOG/Inevitable Ruler of the Universe to help you on the right track.  And like every Suze Orman self-help book before me, you can do this easily in just 7 simple steps.  The time to accentilate your self-esteemification through solidized improvementization is now!

1. Enough with the cheesy action-movie dialogue.  It's really fucking stupid.  I know it'll probably be hard for you to quit the "witty" crime-banter cold turkey, so you should wean yourself off the lines slowly.  Start by only using lines taken from action movies like "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot," "Judge Dredd," anything from any Rutger Hauer movie, and please feel free to steal anything Tina Turner says in "Thunderdome."  Granted, exclaiming "BUST A DEAL, FACE THE WHEEL" into the camera may seem really stupid, and it is, but it's still a step up from nonsense like "Watch out for Dog's bite!"

2. Stop referring to yourself as "Dog," or even referring to yourself in the third person at all.  That's what people with no social skills do.  From your outfit I can tell you don't have any social skills anyway, but still.  I know the retarded are easily tricked, but that's no excuse.  And normally I'd say to drop the whole "Dog" thing altogether, but "Duane" is a really nerdy name unless you're black, and the only way you could possibly be more white is if you have a degree in marketing and enjoy a delightful round of bocce ball in between tea times.

3. The outfit.  You look like a gay biker.  I know you live in the middle of nowhere and no civilized people live out there or anything, but come on.  It's not 1987 anymore.  Let it go.  Time to lock the AC/DC and George Thorogood CDs in your private memory box that you keep in your nightstand forever. No one is intimidated by looking like a roughneck faggot anymore.

4. Jebus, cut the mullet.  I know Renegade was the best show ever until Blue Collar Comedy exploded onto the redneck entertainment scene, but you look more like a bearded David Lee Roth than Lorenzo Lamas.  Get rid of that shit.  The bad tattoos and cowboys boots are enough to remind the world that you were born 'n raised in a trailer.

5. There's a criminal hiding in your wife's gut.  I think it's this guy.  Just a head's up.  That's why she's so big.  And gross.  And here's a tip for the future: if someone ever stomps all over Tokyo, you should already have a top suspect.

6. Take on real criminals and start killing people.  What kind of bounty hunter doesn't kill people?  Don't they still make "Wanted: Dead or Alive" posters in the town you live in?  No one want to see calm arrests of junkies that are pathetically grateful for being arrested.  We want bloodshed, and lots of it.  And while you're practicing your killing skills, start going after cattle rustlers, jewel thieves, and the undead.  I've seen enough crappy zombie and vampire movies to know that the southwest is literally crawling with them.

7. You need Robocop in your posse of lawmen.  I'm not sure what he's been up to lately (probably jack shit), but Robocop makes everything better, including crappy shows about crappy bounty hunters that don't kill people.  If Robocop is unavailable due to being way too kickass for you douche-crew, get a caped monkey on roller skates.

Dog has officially killed my previous image of bounty hunters being kickass mercenary commando killers that wear belts made out of human skulls and replaced it with semi-retarded white-trash douche-bags that arrest people for missing payments on their DUI fines.  Now I don't believe in nothin' no more, and I'm gonna go to Law school.

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