For those of you who don't own a TV, Comedy Central has cursed us all with a plague that will probably only last a couple months.  What did they do?  Well, they started televising the Blue Collar Comedy tour, featuring Ron White, Jeff fucking Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy.  Comedy Central has been having way too many blue collar weekends, using the Blue Collar Comedy Tour as the main part.  For these inbred weekends, they also keep showing Joe Dirt.  Hey, David Spade?  Kill yourself.  Thanks a bunch, ass-pirate.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Blue Collar Fuck Fest.  Yeah, well this constant showing of this movie (oh yes, you can buy it) has infected people's minds and brainwashed them into thinking redneck humor is the shit.  Well, re-brainwashed people's minds, anyway.  TV just keeps dumping paint onto the same canvas.  I wonder why people have ADD?  Oh well.  Now, Satan's TV network, WB, has decided to give these assholes a show called "Blue Collar TV."  Now isn't that precious?  No, it's a trick.  And here's why:

It's safe to say that everyone pretty much remembers when Jeff Foxworthy had his first 15 minutes of fame.  That's right, he based his entire career on jokes that start with "you might be a redneck if..."  Yeah, then some soulless fuck-tard decided to give him his own sitcom (like it's hard for anyone to get a sitcom; people give out sitcoms faster than food stamps).  And take one guess as to what the premise (or lack thereof) of the show was: that's right, him and his rednecky ways.  Oh, and they added quite the clever twist: he lives in suburbia.  It's like Home Improvement, but without the annoying kids that I want to squash with my boots.  I hate those little fucking bastards.  I hope that all three of them are begging for change right now.  Anyway.  So Jeff Foxworthy's sitcom.  Yeah.  I have no idea what the name of it is because it was only on for about three weeks.  However, I did see one clip from the show.  One summer when I was 18 I went to the asshole of America: Los Angeles.  And while I was there, I went to see the Tonight Show.  On the Tonight Show, the guests were some girl from the Jamie Foxx show, fucking Hanson (and they played a Christmas song.  In AUGUST.  Man, they fucking suck hard fucking core), and Jeff Foxworthy.  It was just as his show started, and they showed a clip containing what I'm assuming were jokes.  Every "joke" had the word "redneck" in it.  I swear to Jebus.  Needless to say, when this shitfest failed miserably and Jeff Foxworthy disappeared, presumably forever, I was ecstatic.  Then about a month or two ago, Comedy Central aired the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, and much to my dismay Jeff Foxworthy somehow still had a fucking career.  Now, he's been given his second 15 minutes of fame.  Well, not for long if I have anything to do about it.

Ron White.  I'm not a fan.  Sure, he'll say something funny on occasion, but it usually has something to do with Texas and I don't care one fucking bit about anything regarding Texas.  I recently watched a standup DVD of his (that Comedy Central has decided to show a lot on Redneck Weekends).  One friend of mine, who is all about collecting movies, bought this Ron White DVD, and this past weekend he brought it over so we could watch it.  Nothing else was going on, so we watched it, and whatever.  It wasn't too bad, but I would rather have watched Indian movies on AVS instead because movies from India are ridiculously fucking hilarious in the most unintentional way possible.  They're great!  So anyway my one friend has been brainwashed by blue collar comedy, and I'm making it my mission to keep that from happening to anyone else.

Bill Engvall.  I don't know who he is, and I don't care.  So, I'm going to make up a bunch of stuff about him.  He was born in a trailer half-submerged in a swamp in Alabama.  He is the 17th child in his family.  Six are boys, seven are girls, and not even the parents know what the fuck gender the other four are.  That's probably because his parents are siblings.  Luckily, Bill managed to avoid the incestual birth defects that have plagued his many siblings, but that also means he does not have any special mutant abilities.  Word from the Engvall trailerhold (it's like a household, only potentially mobile) is that the 16 super-powered Engvall children have been training their whole lives to fight crime and defend justice in their home state.  For the record, the most reoccurring crimes in Alabama are stealing moonshine, sheep-fucking, family feuds, and NASCAR and rodeo-related murders and/or theft.  That's one thing I'm proud of the family for.  Every time I hear about someone mutated from birth with special powers, I get pissed because they don't become super heroes.  If you're a siamese twin, you probably have telekinetic powers.  Fight crime, you lazy bastards.  Born without limbs?  Then don't get the cheap  plastic non-bionic prosthetic limbs.  Get some robot arms and legs that shoot lasers and then prevent bank robberies.  If you're born a crack baby, you should find uses for your super speed like running around in circles, thus creating a tornado and blowing out a forest fire.  Are you retarded?  Then you have retard strength and should be saving children from collapsing orphanages.  There are too many lazy non-heroic mutants out there, so it's good to see some abominations of humanity stepping it up and fighting the good fight.  It couldn't have come at a better time, since the one police-type guy in Alabama has been getting overwhelmed lately.

Larry the Cable Guy.  Not since Jeff Foxworthy has there been a gimmick this fucking subnormal.  When I first saw a commercial for Blue Collar TV, he's the only one I saw on it, and he throws up on some ugly chick.  It wasn't funny, but I figured it was his show.  I've never seen him do standup.  In fact, I've never seen him on anything until the five minutes of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour I watched where the four of them are sitting on the stage talking about being from the south.  At least he knew enough to model his career after what he looked like.  No one hates cable guys after all, right?  Yeah, everyone hates the cable guy.  How many jokes in movies/TV shows have everyone seen featuring a joke about how much everyone hates the cable guy for being slow and utterly incompetent.  I'm no math whiz, but I think the number's somewhere around 2 billion.  In fact, the only time you see a cable guy not portrayed as the scum of the earth is in porn, and Larry the Cable Guy ain't no horn-swagglin' porn star (note: I have no idea what "horn-swagglin'" means).  Here's every porno with a cable guy in it:
knock-knock
Sexy woman in underwear: Yes?
Cable guy: Yeah, I'm here to fix your cable.
Other sexy half-naked chick: But you're not wearing any pants!
Cable Guy: I know.
cue bad fuck music written by an ugly asshole living in his mom's basement that only writes porn soundtracks because he's too homely and pathetic to star in the movies

The reason why I'm even on this subject is because today when I got to work and opened up my Instant Messenger thingy to see if I could find someone to talk to and avoid doing any work, I saw a constant ad for Blue Collar TV.  I saw a couple commercials for it lately too.  It looks like a sketch comedy show about being inbred starring all of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour people (except for Ron White).  I'm pretty sure it's just Hee Haw without the singin' an' a-dancin'.  You know how TV shows and movies will always show the funniest parts on commercials to sucker you into seeing them?  Yeah, well nothing on this commercial seems even remotely funny.  It scares the hell out of me, but it's not funny.  There's nothing funny about being a redneck and having a TV show.  I should know, because before all of this shit started getting thrown in my face, I thought rednecks were fucking hilarious, on account of the inbreeding and ignorance and whatnot.  Well, the south slapped me in the face, once again solidifying my resolve to avoid any place below Baltimore like the fucking plague.  Chances are, if I were to go to Georgia or something, I'd get some kind of plague.  Fucking rednecks and their moonshine, NASCAR and rodeos.

So, when this TV show fails in about a month, it'll be safe to leave your house once again.

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