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I Am Monkey Food

BAKERSFIELD, California (AP) -- A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic when two other chimps at an animal sanctuary escaped from their cage and attacked. The man was critically injured with massive wounds to his face, body and limbs, and the attacking animals were shot dead.

Today my friend sent me this story from  It's about a how a guy named St. James Davis and his wife LaDonna got mauled by chimps.  The day started out as a delightful celebration of a chimpanzee's birthday celebration, then soon the couple realized they'd be celebrating a monkey birthday... in terror.  The actual story is on the left, and my comments are on the right.

St. James and LaDonna Davis were at the Animal Haven Ranch in Caliente to celebrate the birthday of Moe, a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their suburban Los Angeles home in 1999 after biting off part of a woman's finger. Who the fuck names their kid "Saint James?"  No wonder he's throwing a birthday party for a monkey; his parents destined him for a lifetime of douche-baggery by naming him Saint James.  Dude probably loves his name though.  "Hi, I'm St. James Davis, this is my son The Pope Davis, and my daughter Mary Mother of God Davis."

Also, they had to turn their chimp over to a shelter because it ate some lady's finger.  If it was my monkey biting fingers off, you'd better believe I trained him to do that.  Plus, so what if the monkey ate some bitch's finger?  She probably deserved it.  I'd be proud of my little chimp assassin.

Moe was not involved in Thursday's attack, said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game. "Moe was not involved in the monkey attack.  He was with his brothers Larry and Curly, and they were busy trying to save an orphanage by hitting each other with pies and mallets.  Also, Moe is flinging his feces.  Look at him."
The couple had brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when Buddy and Ollie, two of four chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, attacked St. James Davis, Martarano said. Officials have not determined how the chimps got out of their enclosure, he said. They brought a birthday cake for a fucking monkey.  Why?  Unless it's made of poop or human fingers, I don't think he's going to want to eat it.

When Buddy and Ollie (terrible monkey names, by the way) were starting their kill-frenzy, what were the other two chimps doing?  My guess is masturbating because they weren't infected with rage and all monkeys do is masturbate.  I wish I was a monkey.  Every time I masturbate everyone on the train gives me a dirty look.

LaDonna Davis, 64, suffered a bite wound to the hand while trying to help her 62-year-old husband, Martarano said. The chimps must've been jealous.  Where was their birthday cake, LaDonna?  I'm willing to bet that the monkeys only bit the parts of the people that were covered in delicious frosting.
The son-in-law of the sanctuary's owner killed the attacking animals, Martarano said. I can see the headlines for tomorrow already: "PETA, an organization of gastronomical cowards with nothing better to do, filed a complaint with the son-in-law of the sanctuary's owner, claiming that monkeys are allowed to eat any people they want and it is unlawful to kill them for doing so as according to the fifth amendment of the imaginary Animal Constitution."  The Animal Rights Constitution and Monkey Bill of Rights were written by some hippy asshole at a Phish concert while he was coming down off heroin.  "Animals are people too, man.  There are bugs crawling under my skin, but that's cool because insects are from the Earth."
"He saw what was happening and had one kind of weapon with him and then got another he felt would be more substantial and shot them," Martarano said. "He pretty much saved a life." That's funny.  After the incident, the chimp assassin said "Well, I had my 12-gauge and was ready to fire, but then I thought to myself, 'Yo, wouldn't it be fucking awesome if I chopped their monkey heads off with a laser?'  And I was right!  Their heads fuckin' exploded and shit!  Man, it kicked ass!"
St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian. Okay.  I can see teeth marks.  I can see how a monkey can bite off a guy's nose.  Okay.  But how does a chimp sever someone's foot?  Even if he wasn't wearing shoes, it still wouldn't be that easy.  They must've been ninja monkeys with katanas.  They pulled some ancient Japanese foot-slicing move on the guy.  Oh, and the only way a monkey's going to be able to tear off your balls is if you're not wearing any pants.  So either St. James was naked from the waste down (because he wanted to give Moe a really happy birthday if you catch my drift) or he was wearing a dress.  And, honestly, I could see either being true just because his name is St. James Davis.
Davis was transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he was undergoing surgery late Thursday, Martarano said. How do you explain that a monkey bit off your balls to a doctor?  "Million-to-one shot, doc!  Million-to-one!"
Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, authorities said. Look at this guy's picture:

He look's pretty fat.  The monkey was definitely infected with Rage.  How else could a chimpanzee drag an old fat guy down the road?  And how did they suddenly get on the street?  Was it a road-side monkey-cage?  If so, then that's probably how the monkeys got out to feed their bloodlust.

"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said. "There was even a film crew from 'Chimps Gone Wild' on scene to witness the drunken chimp's sexual misadventures." Seriously, dude could've phrased it better than "get the chimp off."  Unless that's how they were trying to destract it.  "Here monkey monkey monkey!  I'll suck yo' dick if you let go of my husband's balls!"
Two other chimps, females named Susie and Bones, also escaped from the cage they shared with Ollie and Buddy, prompting sheriff's deputies, animal control workers, and Fish and Game officials to launch a search. The female chimp was named "Bones."  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!  They're launching a search for a monkey named Bones.  How does a monkey get a bad-ass enough reputation to warrant being named Bones?  Bones must've been a monkey-knife-fight champion or something.  I'd be terrified if I were those rangers.  Bones can fuck shit up.
The wayward pair were recovered by Animal Haven owner Virginia Brauer after five hours. Martarano said one chimp was two miles from the sanctuary, located 25 miles southeast of Bakersfield. The monkey made it 25 miles because it was riding a dirt bike.  While listening to Gwar.
The Davises had waged an unsuccessful legal fight to bring Moe back to their West Covina home and visited him regularly at the sanctuary where he had been living since October. They brought the chimp from Africa decades ago after a poacher killed his mother. Who wouldn't want to have a monkey that eats fingers?

And they just brought a chimp home with them?  From Africa?  How is that even possible?  Some people bring home T-Shirts.  Others bring a nasty case of malaria.  These people bring home a carnivorous monkey.

Animal Haven Ranch has held state permits to shelter animals since 1985 and serves as a sanctuary for animals that have been confiscated or discovered lost, Martarano said. No one cares.  Seriously, if we wanted a history lesson, we'd watch The Golden Girls.
It is allowed to house up to nine primates at one time and is home to one spider monkey and six chimpanzees, he said. The permits are held by Virginia and Ralph Brauer, whom neighbors described as responsible animal lovers. "Responsible animal lovers?"  What does that even mean? That they feed animals?  That they don't beat the animals with poultry?  I guess no one considers "training monkeys to feast on human flesh" against labeling someone a responsible animal lover.  And how come we haven't heard more about this spider monkey?  He must be the monkey mastermind.
"She's devoted her whole life to taking care of these chimpanzees," said Jeanne Miller, a family friend. Later, Jeanne added, "Yeah, she has totally wasted her whole fucking life.  And since when am I a 'family friend?'  I always tell my kids to throw pointy things at her whenever she comes outside.  Fucking stupid bitch."

Isn't that some serious shit?  Everything about this article screams "Holy shit!"  It's given me some ideas though, mainly "I want to get some chimpanzees, dress all of them up as Smurfs (Right down to dying their fur bright fucking blue), and train them to eat people.  I tell you, I can imagine anything more kick-ass than hundreds of Smurf-monkeys rampaging through town and leaving a trail of human feet, noses and testicles in their wake.