______________________. . .Who still likes
this band enough to warrant them making new music?
NON DAIRY
CREAMER IS A RETARDED SONG
Third Eye Blind has done the nearly
impossible - they have written quite possibly the most retarded song
ever in history. This is pretty controversial, but it is also
undeniable. Some of you might be scratching your heads,
thinking, "There's no way a Third Eye Blind song is more retarded
than a U2 or Phish song. Also, a new Third Eye Blind song?
Is it 1995 all over again? I thought we were done with them."
We are done with Third Eye Blind, but I guess no one bothered to use
small enough words to explain that fact to them. Anyway.
Third Eye Blind did have some fierce competition from U2. Have
you heard that "Get on Your Boots" song? It's terrible, but I
wouldn't necessarily call it "retarded terrible." I will give
U2 a little credit though; they wrote a song that sounds slightly
different from every other U2 song ever written. Too bad it's
a boring, sad excuse for rock and roll. It might be a better
song if it had better vocals, better lyrics, a better guitar riff,
production that sounded like anything other than ass soup, and if
the whole band had simultaneously died while recording it, but they
didn't, so the song sucks cock. And for Phish to have written
the worst song in history, they would have had to write actual songs
in the first place. Phish isn't music; it's an ongoing Nazi
aural torture experiment.
When I first heard Non Dairy
Creamer on the radio a few months ago, I thought it was a shitty
jingle for shitty fast food. But it didn't end. It was
three of the longest minutes of my life, hearing music that was lame
and outdated over a decade ago being playing under some castrated
lisping jackass naming all of the food items in his kitchen.
That's not all though. In addition to talking about Cheetos
and KFC, the singer, who may or may not be autistic, tackles all the
hard-hitting issues of 1998. It's like he picked up one of the
old newspapers laid out on the bottom of his cage, and in between
urine stains and piles of feces, started reading off all the
headlines. "Hm, let's see here - school shootings, priests
fucking kids, and then there's OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS
Y2K THING?!"
The main point
of this song, if you could call it that, is the singer wants to know
if someone is real to him, or just like non dairy creamer.
Aside from the fact that that makes no sense whatsoever, it doesn't
even have anything to do with the rest of the song. The whole
song sounds like bits and pieces of lyrics he pulled out of his
trapper keeper that were written back when anybody actually gave a
shit about Third Eye Blind (not that they weren't always terrible,
but they were pretty popular, unfortunately).
I want to know who this song was
written for. Who is the person that might be just like non
dairy creamer? Well, we can pretty much cross "a real, live
girl" off the list right off the bat. If by some miracle this
was written for a woman, and was read to her, she undoubtedly
laughed herself to death like the weasels in Who Framed Roger
Rabbit, and since I didn't hear or read anything about the singer
from Third Eye Blind on trial for hilarious manslaughter, that must
not be it. Was it written for his imaginary friend?
Probably not, because unless the singer is completely delusional
(which is possible), the song is superfluous since, obviously, the
imaginary friend is not real and therefore just like *cough* non
dairy creamer. Was the song written for the singer's
reflection? I imagine that the singer lives a life not unlike
a parakeet. He sits in a newspaper-lined cage (as I alluded to
earlier) in the kitchen, with nothing to pass the time other than
staring at whatever's on the counter and gazing into his mirror,
which his handlers placed in there to create the illusion for him of
someone else in the fucking room. So that's pretty possible.
Most likely, however, this song is
written for 13-year-old girls and boys since they're the only group
that wouldn't want to immediately scratch their own ears off upon
hearing this terrible song. They're the only ones who aren't
old enough to remember how much Third Eye Blind sucked the first
time around. They're the only ones who would mistake random
unrelated gibberish for deep, insightful poetry and scathing social
commentary. They are also the only ones who wouldn't realize
that this is the same exact song as that terrible Barenaked Ladies
song called "Who Fucking Cares What the Name of That Awful Fucking
Song Was" only slowed down since they were too young for that
garbage too.
Sorry for
reminding you all of that horrible, horrible Barenaked Ladies band
that you've probably binge drank right out of your skull like I did.
The song climaxes in a hilarious
explosion of retarded wailing of "young gay republicans" repeated
until the listener becomes slightly stupider. Now that is some
insightful fucking nonsense. Put that shit in your buddy's
jock strap and smoke it! Mission accomplished, indeed.
There is no satisfactory explanation
for why anyone in their right mind would consider this song good.
Which is good for Third Eye Blind, I guess because the world is full
of morons who are completely out of their mind and have no taste and
no concept for what could be considered good music. Anyone who
buys this album or downloads this song and listens to it, even if
you are a moron and liked them in their heyday, should be locked in
a bird cage with their only company coming from a mirror placed in
the cage with them. If you are one of these people, you are
everything that is wrong with the world. You are too stupid to
continue affecting society, so please do the world a favor and
eliminate yourself from it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering,
this is what the band looks like:
Yeah, you guys are tough! Notice
the singer's helmet, which he is required by law to wear at all
times to protect his oversized head.
