As far as vampire movies go, Twilight wins the "gayest vampires ever" lifetime achievement award.  Vampires are supposed to explode in sunlight, not turn into glitter.  There is a movie coming out (it might actually be out today) that comes very close to uprooting Twilight from its gay vampire throne but ultimately fails (mostly because nothing is gayer than glittery vampires): The Vampire's Assistant.  Nevermind the fact that the title alone conjures an image of a nerdy over-worked intern filing vampire-related papers and fetching pots of bloody coffee while his vampire boss sits on a conference call with the Mummy, Wolfman, and Frankenstein to go over last quarter's scary profits.  The biggest travesty seems to be that this movie takes itself seriously.  It is about some whiny kid who gets turned into a vampire by John C. Reilly of all people, learns how to be a vampire, hangs out with these little mutant frog people, has a crybaby best friend, and then something or other about Willem Defoe and more vampires.  Sounds riveting, I know.  I wonder how many musical number there are.

In addition to answering the vampire phone, sending vampire faxes, and picking up the boss vampire's vampire dry cleaning, the vampire's assistant kid also gets the following vampire abilities:

1. Hanging out with John C. Reilly and watching his shitty black-and-white TV that has teeth.
   

2. Having bad skin.
   

3. You can run fast, but when you run, your body turns into streamers and silly string to make sure nobody takes you or your speed seriously.

4. Being able to slash the shit out of trees with your bare hands.

In every commercial I have seen for this movie, the main kid in it shows off the aforementioned vampire powers of running around so fast that he turns into silly string and many, many shots of him slashing the shit out of trees with his bare hands.  I don't know if there's an official or even reliable statistic on this type of thing, but The Vampire's Assistant is the tree-slashingest movie of all time.  Vampires in this movie fucking hate trees. Another line that seems to be in every commercial is some kid whining, "You're a vampire, and you didn't even tell your best friend?!"  Boo fucking hoo, cry me a river.  Maybe he didn't tell you because you're a huge pussy and would probably cry about it when you found out anyway.

In searching for stills from this movie, I kept coming across pictures of a bearded lady (who actually kind of looks like Jesus in drag).  It was at this moment that I realized, thanks to the laughably terrible title of "Cirque du Freak," that not only is this movie about making copies for your vampire boss, it's about a traveling goth circus.  Please.  Who is into something this ridiculous?  Are goth kids even still around anymore?  I'm getting old, but I can't tell you the last time I saw some little goth kid running around in pasty makeup in a cape or hanging out at Denny's.  Is goth even a thing anymore?  I'm thinking the answer to those questions is "no," which makes this movie even more irrelevant.

Also, I don't think I can finish this without bringing up the title "Cirque du Freak" again.  Obviously, Cirque du Freak is a juvenile play on Cirque du Soleil, which packs all the cleverness of a 14-year-old Hot Topic turd wearing a T-shirt that says, "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same," which is coincidentally what that title makes me think of immediately.  Nothing says individuality like a mass-produced T-shirt.  For other examples of this counter-culture wit, see clever plays on corporate slogans, such as Evil Inside and Got Blood.  Hi-larious.  I'm sure the creator of this nonsense thinks "Cirque du Freak" is the coolest, hippest, punniest name for anything ever, which he came up with during a particularly rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons in his mom's basement, much to the amusement of his half-elf and goblin dice-rolling buddies.

I hope no one over the age of 13 sees this movie.  If you do, have fun being a virgin forever, tool.

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