In a perfect world, every movie would be either Thunderdome, Die Hard, Half Baked, or some combination of the three.  In that perfect world, idiot sob-fests like The Time Traveler's Wife would never exist.  In fact, in a perfect world, people who suggest movies like The Time Traveler's Wife be made are promptly beaten to death and fed to crocodiles.  Unfortunately, this world is far from perfect so we get to watch commercials for soul-crushing romantic dramas and comedies all goddamned day long.  (I can't type today.  I've mistyped "world" in that sentence about 8 times).  This movie is so retarded it deserves a hug just for trying.

As far as I can tell from what I've heard over the sound of my own screams, this movie (which is made for idiots - never forget that) is about some pud who looks like he bathes in cock that zips back and forth through time for some reason that probably doesn't make sense and his sappy, boring love affair with Rachael McAdams, queen of sappy tear-jerking cuddle-punching cinenema.  Apparently, this creepy bastard shows up all throughout McAdams' life, starting when she's a little girl, and makes creepy advances towards her.  Nothing is more romantic than a stalker, unless that stalker is also a pedophile!  So she grows up madly in love with him because she's suffering from whatever the rape equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome is.  I assume the movie will follow McAdams' character's life with this guy popping up here and there never aging, all the while whispering sweet nothings into each other's vaginas and telling a story of timeless, perfect, picturesque love that only exists in the minds of fat woman that love cats and masturbate with frozen chocolate éclairs.  (My spell checker added that fruity little accent above the 'e' in éclairs, not me.  It did it that time, too.  I'm too lazy to change it.)  At some point, maybe the time traveling douche will face off in an epic battle against Timeblarg, dark lord of all time travel, but there's nothing romantic about that.  Well, unless Timeblarg looks like a fluffy cat.

And by the way, the main dude in this looks like Christian Bale if Christian Bale spent all his time crying and being inbred.

I will never get into these sappy romantic movies.  They are nothing but hollow, boring, sentimental crap as far as I'm concerned, but you know what?  If you like crying at imaginary relationships, knock yourself out.  Enjoy your stupid tampon movie and your sno-caps and fantasies about being swept away by Fabio dressed like a pirate, or whatever you women like.  Have fun.  But is there really any reason to throw ridiculous plot elements like a time traveler into the mix?  Yeah, I'm sure that your standard romantic sap reel is kind of tired and played out at this point and you're feebly attempting to be creative, but guess what?  The people that like these movies are retarded.  They like watching the same movie over and over again, so why ruin time travel for the rest of us?  What is the point of the time traveling?  I bet you don't even get into "Oh shit I sat on a butterfly in the past so now in the future the Nazi's won" stuff that happens in all time travel movies, and that "Oops, I just fucked the world up, my bad" stuff rules.  What's next for you to ruin?  I swear to shit that if you people make a movie about a terrorist POW camp starring Rambo and turn it into a movie where Rambo falls in love with Predator, I am going to punch you all in the vagina.

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