Seed People.  A movie that definitely had to be made.  Right.  I don't know what some movie makers are thinking sometimes.  Granted, some people are afraid of werewolves, but who the fuck is afraid of seeds, and aliens created from said seeds?  I'm not.  Nor is anybody.  In fact, I'd give this movie the "Worst Monsters EVER" award if it weren't for the fact that I saw Darkness Falls yesterday morning, and the Tooth Fairy is quite possibly the worst monster ever in any horror movie.  Those people should be shot in the face with a bazooka that launches helicopter blades.

The movie starts off bad.  Tom, the hero, is in a hospital bed flipping the fuck out when some dopey FBI guy starts asking him questions about Comet Valley.  That's were shit in the movie went down, so you already know that the movie is going to be one big flashback.  That might sound interesting to you, but you're wrong.  Even though Tom was just flipping shit, he begins to retell the story calmly all of the sudden.  Whatever they're giving him at the hospital, I want some.

Apparently, Tom grew up in Comet Valley, then left for college and to get a career in Geology, or something equally pointless.  Here's some info on Comet Valley: it's in the desert, everyone there is missing a few chromosomes (except Tom; he went to COLLEGE!), and there's - you guessed it - only one bridge out of town.  Yes, the perfect setting for a really stupid horror movie.  After Tom gets there, guess what happens; that's right, the one and only bridge out of town is closed for repairs.  Dun dun DUNNNNNN.

Tom is back in town to find meteorites or something with this goofball named Thurman, and he's staying at the one hotel in town, a bed and breakfast run by his ex-girlfriend Heidi, who is, unfortunately, the only sex appeal in the movie.  You can tell from the picture that there's something very wrong with her.  And that something is everything.

In addition to all of her other problems, her sister died, meaning that her brother-in-law Frank and her niece Kim now live with her.  Kim hates the maid, Mrs. Santiago, because Kim thinks that she's possessed or an alien, but I'm pretty sure she really hates the maid because she's Mexican.  Kim carries a gigantic video camera around with her constantly to film Mrs. Santiago being an alien and/or Mexican (because she's a paranoid psycho).  Also, Heidi's (what kind of stupid fucking name is that anyway? If you're not from Denmark, don't name your goddamned bastard kid "Heidi") boyfriend is the town Sheriff, who conveniently was Tom's rival in high school and is more conveniently named Brad.  In a movie this bad, any character named "Brad" is automatically an asshole.  Like in Night of the Creeps.  So Tom is staying with this rag-tag bunch of fucking retards while he looks for meteorites with rednecks.

Bare in mind that Tom is retelling this story to an FBI agent.  However, half the movie is comprised of scenes not involving Tom at all.  That's because whoever wrote this movie hates you and wants you to hate them back.  Also, this is a situation of emergency, and Tom is filling the whole story with character development and stupid bullshit that isn't in the slightest bit important during a crisis.  Hence the fault with movies that are one big flashback.  Anyway...

For instance, Frank goes to an orchard, by himself, and a giant alien tree ejaculates all over him, turning him into a seep person.  Yet it's included in this flashback because TOM KNOWS ALL!!!!!!  Yeah, so that happens.  Also, before Frank finds out the true meaning of "bukaki," some redneck says, "What in the ding-dong-heck-a-ma-doodle hell is that," when he sees the alien tree.  I swear to fucking god, because I couldn't make anything that stupid up on my own.  Oh yeah, and after Frank becomes a seed person, he can switch back to being Frank.  That's just how clever these seed motherfuckers are.

Now comes a lot of pointless nothing.  Kim now thinks her dad, Frank, is an alien as well.  That's because she was dropped as a child.  No one believes her of course because kids don't know a god damn thing.  Tom and Thurman look at cave drawings of a meteor falling, and it's about as interesting as it sounds.  Then Kim sees Mrs. Santiago turn into a seed person.  Said seed person then rolls (literally) and Kim flips her shit.  Then everyone else sees Mrs. Santiago as a normal Mexican maid and no one believes her once again.  Kim sucks.  By this point in the movie, you can't fucking wait for her to die.

Thurman then goes with some random farmer to the orchard and sees the tree.  Incidentally, they keep going to the orchard because at night everyone sees flashlights and shit in there.  Then the farmer touches the tree, gets buried in Corn Pops, and Thurman runs away like the phenomenal pussy he is.

So now, to bring you up to date, there are a grand total of three seed critters.  Just three (the movies budget was $10 and a ten-strip of acid).  The three are Mrs. Santiago, Frank, and the farmer.  Hooray.  The townspeople all start turning into hypnotized zombies, one by one.

The FBI guy keeps asking about Doc Roller, the drunken lunatic to the left.  Of course, as with every terrible movie, Doc Roller is the only asshole that really knows what's going on, and he's fucking neurotic about it.  For some reason, he knocks down the phone lines that lead out of the valley.  Oh yes.

This retard named Burt (whose pesticide is "five times stronger than monkey piss") shows Tom a "weird rock" that he found, which is actually a seed.  He didn't want to bring this up at the town meeting (does any town still have those?) because, in his own words, "I didn't want no one to think I've gone crackpot we've already got one crackpot in Comet Valley," so he tells Tom privately.

Doc Roller comes across Tom and tells him that the monsters hate UV light (hence the paranoia and goofy outfit he's wearing).  He also says that the meteors were actually seeds.  Uh huh.

Then, out of nowhere, Doc Roller is riding around in his jalopy and runs over Thurman.  This scene is one of the funniest things ever.  Everyone should be happy with this because Thurman sucks ass.

Brad tries to arrest Doc Roller, but he cleverly escapes.  Tom eventually finds him and they team up to find out what the fuck is going on.  Kim, meanwhile, goes out on her own to follow the zombies to the orchard and video tapes them.  Tom sees the video tape and then believes her.  That's because he saw one of the seed people.

By this point, everyone in town is a zombie or dead except for Tom, Doc Roller, Heidi, Brad and Kim.  It doesn't matter because I hate them all.  One of them becomes a zombie at some point and Tom blinds them with UV light to snap them out of it.  They figure out that the people are digging up the meteor, which is of course a giant fucking pine cone, and they go to stop them.  A bunch of stuff happens, but you won't really care what because at this point you're asleep or outside attempting to satiate the bloodlust that this movie infected you with.  Yeah.

Then that's when Tom is in the hospital, and surprise, surprise, everyone on Earth is already a seed person or a zombie except for Tom, and then they kill him or something.  The end.

I was originally going to give this movie three skulls, but after writing the review I remembered how fucking stupid it was despite the unintentional humor laced throughout.  Instead, it gets two skulls for being fucking stupid.  That's the kind of outrageous power I wield.

What We Learned

• If you're from a small town and went to college, everybody hates you.

• People named "Brad" in bad movies are always dickheads.

• When drinking, driving, and running people over, it's a good idea to make goofy faces.

• Suits made out of UV lamps are fucking stupid as hell.

• Plants aren't scary (unless they cum in your face).

• Mexican maids are all aliens.

• If you're building a town, make sure there's more than ONE bridge out of town.

• Fun Science Fact (TM): Where there is testa, there is a seed.

• Pesticide is five times stronger than monkey piss.

• Comet Valley Sucks.