Let me just start this off by saying that if you put out a movie and feel the need to cover the front of the box with mouthful-of-cum praise from douche-bag elitist movie snobs that love crap as long as it's artsy and pretentious as fuck, then 99% of the time your movie fucking sucks. It sucks hard.  Let me also say that I gave this movie a screaming baby head, a feat not easy for any movie no matter how bad.  There are three positive points to this movie: first, ten minutes into the movie, there are tits. Second, it's only an hour and twenty minutes long.  Third, both assholes die at the end.  Don't worry, you won't feel bad for them dying.  In fact, after an hour of hearing them bitch, you'll be happy when they finally get eaten by sharks.  It's still not enough to make up for watching the movie.  You know how you can sit through a boring, shitty movie and when the characters you hate die it kind of makes up for it?  Not this piece of watery shit.  If I ruined the movie for you, good.  I just saved you an hour and twenty minutes of your time, and if you're like me, you'd want that time back.  In the 1:20 wasted watching that movie, I could've hit myself in the head until I passed out, drawn a splendid picture of a duck, and masturbated to pictures of nubile Polynesian boys.  All in the time I spent watching this crappy movie.

The film opens (opens - get it?  GET IT?  OPEN WATER?!  THAT'S A WITTY PUN!!  WOOO!!!!) up with Daniel packing for his vacation and talking on his phone.  Then he calls his wife (who's name I actually can't remember right now so I'll just refer to her as "wife" - I only remember his name because wife says it about 9,000 times) who is on the phone with work.  She's a total workaholic. Remember this crucial piece of character background, for it will be brought up again later in the form of a water-argument, which is like a regular argument only while floating in the water. At this point, we don't even realize that she's his wife, and figure he's just calling her to let her know he's coming to pick her up.  No, he's just lazy and doesn't feel like walking back into the house to tell her to get off the fucking phone.  Lazy motherfucker.

Anyway, they leave and we get to see a montage of a happily married couple flying and being at an airport and checking into a hotel, all set to terrible, terrible music.  This brings me to another thing I hated about the movie: the fucking music.  Now, bear in mind that they're on a Carribean vacation.  And in the nation of Carribea, they listen to reggae-ish island music with singing that sounds like someone's having a seizure, walking on hot coals, or both.  Shit, even their national anthem is chock-full of kettle drums.  But you won't really hear any island music in this movie, oh no.  Instead you'll hear some sort of aborigine torch song and a couple songs that sound like the Highlander moaning loudly in the hazy moors of Scotland after his mentor was just decapitated.  It's not that it's that bad (if you like that type of thing), but it has nothing to do with islands or shark food, so whoever spooged-out the soundtrack could've done a better job.  Like, for instance, walking around the island they filmed this movie at and listening to the fucking music.

Anyway, we see another montage of Daniel and wife shopping and laying on the beach and so on, and they go back to their hotel room.  Daniel's looking at wife's laptop on the bed and says, "I'm so glad I let you bring this thing."  Now, I thought he'd be looking at video clips of horrendous car crashes or donkey porn like any normal guy, but no.  He's looking at the weather forecast.  And he's so fucking excited about it that his ear to ear grin doesn't go away even after the laptop is off and thoughts of tomorrow's weather have long escaped his empty brain.  Then wife is in bed naked and we get to see tits.  She also denies Daniel sex.  Here's a tip, ladies: don't get naked and then say "I'm not in the mood" unless you're trying to frustrate people (which I assume you are).

The next morning, they get on the boat to go diving, and it's run by island people who are cracking jokes about sharks, the international signal for "help me I'm drowning," and the international signal for "help me I'm being eaten by sharks."  Oddly enough, both of those signals are the same.  "Wocka wocka!"  Then the dude goes around counting the people on the boat.  Luckily for him, there were only 20 people going diving that day, otherwise he'd have to pull down his pants to count any higher.  As he's going through more pointless safety tips while people are getting into their gear, the biggest asshole douche-bag in the universe (who, from now on, I will refer to as "biggest asshole douche-bag in the universe" or "bad-bitu" for short since it sounds like an island tribesman name - he's not a tribesman or anything and is probably either a lawyer or a dentist, but you get the idea) can't find his mask and feels the need to obnoxiously harass other people on the boat.  He gets all pissed off as if someone else is the idiot for him not remembering his mask.  Bad-bitu loves scuba diving and makes sure everyone around him knows that he's pissed off.  Fuck him.  So the head diver guy marks him off on his list of twenty.  They all get to the dive site, and then we see another montage of people scuba diving.  A woman gets water in her ears and starts complaining, so she and the dude she's with come out of the water. The head diver guy marks down two other people on his list.  However, bad-bitu sees his opportunity and borrows her mask.  The lady working on the boat won't let him dive without a buddy and he gets pissed off.  So he recruits the whiny woman's dude to be his buddy and they jump off.  I have a big problem with this buddy system they have going here.  Ok, there's 20 people riving, right?  That means everyone has a buddy. However, bad-bitu can't go in the water without a mask, so there are now only 19 people diving.  Someone out there doesn't have a buddy right now, so why did this bitch give him such a problem for going in without a buddy?  She already let someone in without a buddy.  Also, after dude and bad-bitu dive in, the head diver guy doesn't erase two of the people he marked down on his list.  Now there's 19 people in the water, and he is only accounting for 17.  This is because people from that area are poorly educated and don't really know what math is.  Fucking islanders.  Anyway, everyone gets back on the boat, bad-bitu obnoxiously exclaims how rad-to-the-max it was, and head diver guy counts the 17 people that come back on.  The dumb fuck, of course, doesn't realize that two people are still in the water since numbers are the devil's mischief in his island beliefs, and the boat pulls away.  Daniel and wife are no officially fucked.

They come to the surface of the water, can't find the boat, don't try swimming to another boat, and start drifting away.  We see a lot of stock video footage of water way too much from this point of the movie onward.  At some point, they both get stung by a jellyfish and swim away.  Then they see a shark, but that shark goes away.  Wife starts feeling sick.  Daniel flips out and starts screaming because he's understandably pissed and then starts bitching about how they paid to get stuck in the water.  Then a few more hours go by.  Wife falls asleep, and so does Daniel and they drift apart.  I was hoping at this point that he ditched her because he couldn't stand her complaining anymore, but no.  They get back together, and her leg hurts.  While they were sleeping, the knife Daniel was holding cut wife's leg, and tiny fish are now taking tiny bites out of her.  When he goes under to inspect her leg, she throws up on him. Then they swim away.  Woo.  At this point, wife blames Daniel for everything because women always blame misfortune on men.  Sorry, but it's the truth.  She claimed it was his fault for always wandering away from the group.  Then Daniel says it's all her work's fault because they had to move their vacation up sooner and throw everything together at the last minute because of her work.  They argue for a while, and then a few more hours go by.

In between all of this nothing happening, we see water.  Lots and lots of water.  So much stock water footage.  At this point of the movie, I was feeling a little sick and really had to go to the bathroom.  Touché, Open Water.

They eventually see a buoy and try swimming to it, but it's far and they're not getting anywhere. After a long while of paddling, Daniel gets bitten by a shark.  Wife uses a strap to tightly (I'll say it again - tightly) close the wound, and it mysteriously completely stops the bleeding.  Then they float around for a while more.  Daniel starts wigging out because he can't feel his leg even though the bite was tiny, and she tries comforting him which is futile but she does it anyway.  Also, a shark eats their camera.  That bastard!

We then see people back at the island drinking frozen daiquiris and badly dancing (because white people can't dance) and instead of hearing island dancing music, we hear tribal yodeling.  Back to Daniel and wife.  It gets dark and a thunderstorm kicks up.  The only time we see anything other than black is when lightning strikes, which is actually kind of cool, and we hear a lot of commotion that we can only assume is Daniel being eaten.

The next morning, head diver guy goes to the boat, finally sees Daniel's and wife's bag and tears ass to get help.  Then we see a lot of water again for a while.  Wife is floating, clutching Daniel.  We see his leg, and the tight strap mysteriously fell off.  He's a corpse now, and I'm pretty sure his last words were "Thanks for denying me sex the last time we were in bed together.  Now I'm dead.  I hope you're happy."  Instead of using him as a corpse-raft, she lets go of him.

Cut to clips of planes, helicopters, and boats leaving port, presumably to rescue them.

Then wife gets to watch sharks tear apart Daniel's body.  Pretty fucked up, but whatever.

Cut to another shot of all of the rescue vehicles search for them IN THE SAME FUCKING SPOT.  You'd think they'd spread out a little bit, but no.  Fucking stupid fucking island people and their shoddy rescue attempt.

At this point, there are sharks everywhere in a frenzy because they just ripped apart Daniel.  Wife takes off her tank and flippers and whatnot and dives underwater to let the sharks tear her apart because she wants to die.  At this point, so do I because the tiny amount of action does not make up for the 45 minutes worth of stock water footage.  So yeah, she's dead.  Apparently sharks will only eat you if you're totally submerged.  I was totally hoping that the rescue helicopter would fly overhead right after she went under, but no dice.

As the credits roll, we see some fisherman cutting open the shark, going through its stomach for some fucking reason to see what it ate, and finds the camera.  The end.

... Or is it?

No, it's the end.

I apologize if I made this movie sound interesting by saying the things that happen one after another.  While actually watching the movie, something very minor will happen, the music will build to a crescendo, and just when you think Jaws, and maybe even Bigfoot, are going to jump out of the water and eat them, the music cuts with a bang and we watch about 10 minutes worth of stock water footage.  Seriously, every time something even remotely interesting happens, there's a good chance you'll miss it since it's about 30 seconds of plot sandwiched between two 5 minute loaves of water footage.

On openwaterfilm.com, praise for this tripe is splattered all over the page.  Since it's shameless self-promotion of a crappy minute that ran about an hour too long, I feel it's my civic duty to explain each blurb of hollow glorification.  As usual with this type of thing, original text will be on the left in pink (the universal color of gay), and my comments will be on the right.  Also, to make sure I hate the movie even more, all comments are on the openwaterfilm.com site in the form of a picture, forcing me to retype all of their fucking crap.  Also, I left all grammatical errors such as the website's unique approach to quotation marks.  Also on the website is a link to "View the UK Site," which I'm assuming is the same thing except every rave review includes the phrase "jolly good."  God, I hate this movie so much...