__________ _____________________________________. . .Some
bad movies are hilarious.
BAD MOVIES
I watch a lot of movies.
Some are good, some are bad. Some are so bad they are awesome
and I can't watch them enough. This is a page for movie reviews.
Some are cheesy horror movies, some are big-budget Hollywood movies,
some are B movies, and some are just bad. Since most of you
are like children and are also probably drooling on yourselves right
now, I guess it's kind of my non-paying job to hold your hands and
let you know which movies are worth seeing because, let's face it,
most of you can't figure that out for yourselves. That's why
terrible movies with no redeeming qualities like Open Water make
money. It's also why some of you enjoy low-budget movies about
naked people shitting into each other's mouths and liking it.
There are two
sections. In the first section, I'll review movies I've seen.
These will be accompanied by a rating (see below). In the
second section, I will review movies I haven't seen yet. This
section deals with movies no one in their right mind should want to
see, but if I know people, some of you want to see them anyway.
So I'm using my psychic film-watching abilities to convince you not
to. I'm like a real-life Captain America, only instead of
saving the world from Nazis and wearing an American flag jumpsuit,
I'm watching bad movies with my mind and warning the public about
them. Totally the same thing.
REGULAR MOVIE
REVIEWS
Rating System:
Awesome:
This movie is fantastic. It was filmed with a $3 budget.
The cameras used to film it were made out of paper cups and
string and held together by willpower alone. Everyone in this
movie is a friend of the guy that wrote it, and none of them can
act and can probably barely read. All special effects were
made with stuff from Halloween Adventure and things found in a
dumpster behind a supermarket. This movie will make you
laugh your ass off, so watch it. Pure cheese.
Symbol: That dude's head
from that game Doom where you're totally killing the shit out of
pig monsters and smashing zombie in the face or whatever.
I used this to prove to nerds I used to play Doom 15 years ago,
and then they'll scream at me in Mountain Dew-fueled approval,
"Excelsior!"
Pretty Good:
Not the best bad movie to watch, but it still has a lot of good
moments. If you're bored one night and need to laugh at
some terrible movie, these will satisfy. A movie with this
rating usually stars a B or C list actor/actress before they
were famous, and in the case of actresses, when they were still
willing to whip out their titties for a little screen time.
Whores (not that I'm complaining).
Symbol: Cartoon Robocop.
These movies may feel sad about falling short of totally
awesome, so they are represented as a cartoon Robocop face.
Why? Because Robocop makes everything better, and I
figured that might make these movies feel better about
themselves.
Meh:
Now we're getting into some mediocre crap. For bad B
movies, these are okay. You could do much better, but you
could also do much worse. That's all I have to say about
them. For Hollywood big-budget movies on the other hand,
no mainstream movie I review on here will score better than this
(otherwise why would I be reviewing them?). This is not a
compliment. The people who made this movie have failed,
and despite this, they are much richer than me. And I hate
them for it. Symbol:
Teddy Bear in Sun Glasses. I chose this symbol not just
because it's lame, but because it's trying too hard to be rad and
fails miserably. It's like your grandparents attempting to
be hip by buying a CD of Pat Boone singing Fat Boys songs. Just
lame on so many levels.
These movies think they're good enough, but sadly, lack the
basic elements of being cool. They think a crappy plot and
crappy acting can be glossed over by kick ass special effects
and car chases, failing to realize that a gay ass teddy bear in
sunglasses is still a gay ass teddy bear.
Crap:
From here and lower, the ratings only serve one purpose: to
better show how much I want the people responsible for this
movie to suffer. A movie with this rating is bad and
should not ever been seen by anyone. It is not really so
bad it's funny, it's pretty much just bad. There may be
boobies in this movie, and there may be a few points where you
laugh at the cast and crew's ineptitude, but you can pretty much
skip this. Symbol:
Gay Little Devil Guy. I picked this symbol because the
people that made these movies have sold their souls to the devil
and are probably gay. And also because the devil is the
international mascot for ham and cake.
Utter Shit: This movie
blows. Every second spent watching it is painful.
You will ask yourself several times, "Why am I watching this
when I could be setting my arm on fire instead?" This
movie is the equivalent of walking in on your parents boning.
If this is a shitty B movie, there is no reason that it ever
should have been made or published or distributed to video
stores where kids can get their hands on it. If this is a
mainstream Hollywood movie, I hope the studio that made it burns
down. Also, the director wets his bed and the screenwriter
probably molests children. Symbol: Poop.
You might think that using a symbol of poop is a cop-out
for a rating of "Utter Shit," but - no, you're right, it's a cop-out.
Fuck You:
To the people responsible for this garbage: fuck you. You
are evil monsters bent on robbing the world of all that is
decent and good. No one accidentally makes a movie this
bad; no, a movie this bad was planned out from day one to make
babies cry. It is almost guaranteed that the producers,
writers, and directors are all secretly Satan, and maybe one is
a big robot with Hitler's brain inside it. If an "Utter
Shit" movie is like walking in on your parents boning, a "Fuck
You" movie is the equivalent of walking in on your parents
crapping in each other's mouths while a midget on a pony in a
Batman costume sit across the room with a record player blasting
"The Merry Go Round Broke Down" backwards and- actually, that's
kind of hot, never mind. While watching this movie, you will
castrate yourself because it's less painful than paying
attention. The only drug that can enhance this movie to
the point of watchability is cyanide. Treat this movie like you
would a deranged homeless person covered in some kind of goo and
spouting conspiracy theories: avoid eye contact and move to the
other side of the street. Symbol:
Screaming baby face. Self-explanatory.
Awesome:
This movie is fantastic. It was filmed with a $3 budget.
The cameras used to film it were made out of paper cups and
string and held together by willpower alone. Everyone in this
movie is a friend of the guy that wrote it, and none of them can
act and can probably barely read. All special effects were
made with stuff from Halloween Adventure and things found in a
dumpster behind a supermarket. This movie will make you
laugh your ass off, so watch it. Pure cheese.
Symbol: That dude's head
from that game Doom where you're totally killing the shit out of
pig monsters and smashing zombie in the face or whatever.
I used this to prove to nerds I used to play Doom 15 years ago,
and then they'll scream at me in Mountain Dew-fueled approval,
"Excelsior!"
Pretty Good:
Not the best bad movie to watch, but it still has a lot of good
moments. If you're bored one night and need to laugh at
some terrible movie, these will satisfy. A movie with this
rating usually stars a B or C list actor/actress before they
were famous, and in the case of actresses, when they were still
willing to whip out their titties for a little screen time.
Whores (not that I'm complaining).
Symbol: Cartoon Robocop.
These movies may feel sad about falling short of totally
awesome, so they are represented as a cartoon Robocop face.
Why? Because Robocop makes everything better, and I
figured that might make these movies feel better about
themselves.
Meh:
Now we're getting into some mediocre crap. For bad B
movies, these are okay. You could do much better, but you
could also do much worse. That's all I have to say about
them. For Hollywood big-budget movies on the other hand,
no mainstream movie I review on here will score better than this
(otherwise why would I be reviewing them?). This is not a
compliment. The people who made this movie have failed,
and despite this, they are much richer than me. And I hate
them for it. Symbol:
Teddy Bear in Sun Glasses. I chose this symbol not just
because it's lame, but because it's trying too hard to be rad and
fails miserably. It's like your grandparents attempting to
be hip by buying a CD of Pat Boone singing Fat Boys songs. Just
lame on so many levels.
These movies think they're good enough, but sadly, lack the
basic elements of being cool. They think a crappy plot and
crappy acting can be glossed over by kick ass special effects
and car chases, failing to realize that a gay ass teddy bear in
sunglasses is still a gay ass teddy bear.
Crap:
From here and lower, the ratings only serve one purpose: to
better show how much I want the people responsible for this
movie to suffer. A movie with this rating is bad and
should not ever been seen by anyone. It is not really so
bad it's funny, it's pretty much just bad. There may be
boobies in this movie, and there may be a few points where you
laugh at the cast and crew's ineptitude, but you can pretty much
skip this. Symbol:
Gay Little Devil Guy. I picked this symbol because the
people that made these movies have sold their souls to the devil
and are probably gay. And also because the devil is the
international mascot for ham and cake.
Utter Shit: This movie
blows. Every second spent watching it is painful.
You will ask yourself several times, "Why am I watching this
when I could be setting my arm on fire instead?" This
movie is the equivalent of walking in on your parents boning.
If this is a shitty B movie, there is no reason that it ever
should have been made or published or distributed to video
stores where kids can get their hands on it. If this is a
mainstream Hollywood movie, I hope the studio that made it burns
down. Also, the director wets his bed and the screenwriter
probably molests children. Symbol: Poop.
You might think that using a symbol of poop is a cop-out
for a rating of "Utter Shit," but - no, you're right, it's a cop-out.
Fuck You:
To the people responsible for this garbage: fuck you. You
are evil monsters bent on robbing the world of all that is
decent and good. No one accidentally makes a movie this
bad; no, a movie this bad was planned out from day one to make
babies cry. It is almost guaranteed that the producers,
writers, and directors are all secretly Satan, and maybe one is
a big robot with Hitler's brain inside it. If an "Utter
Shit" movie is like walking in on your parents boning, a "Fuck
You" movie is the equivalent of walking in on your parents
crapping in each other's mouths while a midget on a pony in a
Batman costume sit across the room with a record player blasting
"The Merry Go Round Broke Down" backwards and- actually, that's
kind of hot, never mind. While watching this movie, you will
castrate yourself because it's less painful than paying
attention. The only drug that can enhance this movie to
the point of watchability is cyanide. Treat this movie like you
would a deranged homeless person covered in some kind of goo and
spouting conspiracy theories: avoid eye contact and move to the
other side of the street. Symbol:
Screaming baby face. Self-explanatory.
