Let me start this off by saying that I watched movies on TV all day Sunday in between bouts of hating myself. One of which was Godsend.  It wasn't very good at all, and for the duration of this sentence, "wasn't very good at all" really means "fucking terrible piece of shit movie starring yet another kid that knows how to crack an evil smile."  This movie sucked.  Late last night, however, I saw the last 15 minutes of Ghoulies 4, and had I seen that movie in its entirety, you'd be reading about two midgets in troll costumes trying to steal an amulet from some blood-licking hot chick in skin-tight leather while some other woman is kidnapped by her own evil car and driven around wildly into other cars and things while she screams instead of attempting to steer until she drives into two anonymous metal tanks and explodes and then we see some guy who probably works at Blockbuster during the day, but at night wears a cape, has glowing green eyes, and hangs out with a group of giggling little monster puppets and is trying to take over the world or blot out the sun or open the gates of hell out of the frustration of not knowing how to program his VCR.  But since I didn't see the whole movie (that I'm sure kicked ass), I'm going to write about the crappy one I saw yesterday afternoon because nothing else was on (as much as I like Punk'd marathons and all).

This movie also had some minor controversy when it came out.  The production company, Lions Gate Films, released a website for a fake company called the Godsend Institute that offered a service where they can clone your dead kid. They set up an email address and a phone number that, when called, had an automated message of the company's hours of operation.  Needless to say, hundreds of stupid parents called this number trying to clone their dead kids.  I don't want to make light of someone losing a kid or something like that, but these people have it coming.  If science were to stop building deadly robots and fat free cheese substitutes long enough to perfect cloning humans, I think that would be a little something called "world-wide breaking news."  No company is going to be able to keep a low profile after opening up their kid-cloning hospital, because if one did open, there would be about 10,000 christians wearing their anti-abortion bodysuits picketing outside the place for "moral objections."  So it would be hard to believe someone would have the right combination of stupid and insanity-driven hope to believe they could clone their dead kids.  And plus, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, people.  If the parents are stupid enough to believe there's a real human cloning facility sharing the name of a movie about to come out, their kids weren't going to grow up and cure cancer were they still alive.  They probably died trying to parachute off their apartment building with a tablecloth or eating things they found in the sewer.  And if these dumbass kids were cloned, it would only be a matter of time until they killed them selves with a lawnmower or while dashing across the highway.

And speaking of stupid people, did you ever happen to read any of the shit on IMDB's message boards?  Holy fuck.  I never did either, but after seeing a comment called "boobies" about this movie, I had no choice but to click on it.  Basically it's about how the kid in the movies says "boobies" right after Greg Kinear's dumbass almost drives into a truck.  Apparently, the mutants that spend their free time posting in message boards for crappy movies spend lots of time trying to get to the bottom of this quote.  One asshole says, "I had to rewind that scene a few times to be sure, but sure enough, he does say it." Then, some other jackass chimes in with, "we weren't sure if he actually said it, so we ended up rewinding it like 9 times, then we called people over so they could vouch for us so we didn't look crazy."  Well, mission failed, asshole.  What better way to prove you're not crazy than asking 9 people to come over to your padded room to prove that you did, in fact, hear the word "boobies" in a movie and then post your scientific findings on a message board about a stupid movie that failed at everything?  Idiots.

So, on with the crappy movie itself.  It opens with Paul (Greg Kinear) running through downtown of some random city with a present.  He can't get a cab so he runs through a dark alley.  He obviously gets jumped by two guys because it's a dark alley and he looks like a tool.  One of the guys notices that the man he's mugging is Paul, "the best teacher [he] ever had," and tells his boy to leave him alone because "he cool."  (Ebonics left in for hilarity's sake)  Then he apologized to Paul and skips off down the alley with his gang-bangin' buddy to rob someone else (as long as their victim doesn't turn out to be the guy at McDonald's that always hooks them up with extra fries - he cool too, B).  This is a huge point to the movie.  It shows us that 1) Paul lives in a crappy neighborhood, 2) he's a biology teacher, and 3) he's such a damned good biology teacher that the students who respect him the most are stealing presents from people in an alley at knife-point.  What a great fucking teacher.  The kid honestly says "He taught me everything I needed to know."  So you learned about mugging people in high school biology class?  Wow, and all I learned in high school biology was that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, and photosynthesis is the process by which plants pose nude in front of a camera for money to put their seeds through flower school.  I never once learned anything about life on the streets and how to steal presents to support my raging crack habit, and that would've been really fucking good to have known before I became a junky man-whore.  I think they took this scene from the movie they were originally going to make, which was about a tough teacher in the 'hood helping kids see they can grow up to do anything as long as they believe in themselves and unicorns enough.  Because, you know, that's never been done before, especially not by Jim Belushi in the 80's.

When Paul gets home, it's his kid's eighth birthday party, complete with a precious little vanilla cake in the form of an 8. His kid is named Adam. The present he got him was a red jacket with white sleeves that probably had his name embroidered on it to make sure the other kids at school knew the name of the person they've been dipping head-first into the toilet. Post birthday party madness, Jessie (Rebecca Roman Stamos), his wife, argues with him about how she wants to move out of the city because he got a job offer somewhere else for more money.  Paul doesn't want to because he considers doing anything other than teaching hoodlums in the ghetto biology for peanuts "selling out."  And maybe he's right, but I don't fucking care.  She then says, "Oh, it's for Adam, not us."  You lying, gold-digging bitch.  She's a photographer, which really means "housewife with a camera" so you know she doesn't make any fucking money at all.

The next day, Jessie takes Adam to get him a basketball and the ugliest red sneakers ever made by sweatshop children. While she's paying, he goes outside to play with his basketball next to a construction zone in the middle of a dead-locked street. The traffic is not moving at all. She wanders away from the register, while paying, because she'd rather watch her kid try to bounce a ball and fuck it up than actually sign her credit card receipt and not hold up the line.  Fucking bitch. Well, Adam can't dribble because he's a pussy and the ball bounces off of his ugly red sneakers into the construction zone.  As he frolics past the barrier to get his ball, some asshole on a bike rides into traffic (that wasn't moving at all three seconds prior) and some guy in a Camaro does what everyone else does when they're about to hit some asshole on a bike: he hits the fucking gas, jumps over a conveniently-placed dirt ramp, and slams into Adam who stands there like an idiot while the impending doom flies right at his face instead of making any sort of attempt at getting out of the way.  What a jackass. So now he's dead.  Unfortunately we'll never know why a car that was literally sitting idle in traffic suddenly had the speed to get airborn off of a dirt ramp.  My theory is that he wanted to run the bike over, and who else wouldn't?  They're a pain in the fucking ass.  There's nothing worse than being stuck in your car behind some asshole on a bike because he won't move over to let you past. Then he probably goes to "Share the road" protests at the DMV.  This is for every fucking asshole that rides their goddamned Huffy on the street: do what your gay-ass T-shirt says and SHARE THE FUCKING ROAD.  if you get hit by a car, it's probably because your retarded ass is swerving back and fort in the middle of the lane instead of staying near the curb.  You fucking assholes.  "Share the road" doesn't mean "the road belongs to me and my pussy basket-equipped bicycle," so move the fuck over.  My car can take your bike any fucking day of the week, and one day, I will kill you all.  Anyway, it's now night time and Paul finally gets home from work.  No one's there, so he checks the messages and it's from Jessie saying that Adam is a pancake.  Since the accident happened during the afternoon and now it's nighttime, it makes me wonder why he didn't know earlier.  Didn't his stupid cunt wife think to call him at his job?  I know he's a teacher in the inner city and the schools so poor that the student have to pee in a bucket, but I'm sure there's at least one phone in there somewhere, even if it's an old-timey crank phone, and a dead kid is kind of an emergency.  What a stupid fucking bitch.

At the funeral arrangements for Adam, Richard (Robert De Niro) approaches them and talks about how he's a scientist and once had Jessie in one of his classes in college.  Remember, Jessie's a photographer, not a scientist.  Makes perfect sense, because obviously he's going to remember one girl he had in a big class ten years ago that didn't major in science and probably never even showed up for class because she was too busy covering up her oral herpes with makeup.  So yeah, she probably fucked him for a B, because god damn she wanted that prestigious photography degree. Whatever. He takes them out to lunch and tells them he can clone Adam using a DNA sample, basically fertilizing one of her eggs with Adam DNA. Paul gets pissed and storms out, but not before Richard gives Jessie his card. After much pointless arguing, they decide to sever ties with everyone they've ever known (much to everyone's dismay, I'm sure) and move upstate near Robert's facility where he can clone Adam.  Paul gets a job at the local high school, Robert buys them a house with a dark room, and the cloning procedure is a complete success.  Wheeeeeee.

Once again, they name this kid Adam.  It's the same actor, but now he has short hair to make sure the audience doesn't think the rest of the movie is one long flashback because the audience is stupid.  It's his eighth birthday party, and they have the same fucking #8 cake as they gave their dead kid, only this one is chocolate instead of vanilla.  This is to symbolize that this kid is evil and the director is a racist.  Otherwise why couldn't the vanilla cake be for the evil child? Also, the only black people in the movie so far were thieves and the one black lady near the end of the movie is insane and an almost-murderer, but I'll get to that later.  So yeah, the director's a racist.

Paul makes some stupid comments to Jessie about how their new Adam is exactly like their dead Adam.  Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's probably because he's a fucking CLONE.  Paul also gives an example.  He says that new Adam loves his stegosaur toy as much as the old Adam.  I'm pretty sure that's because you gave the new Adam the same fucking stegosaur that the old Adam had, and all kids love dinosaurs.  Remember a little show from when you were a kid called Denver the Last Dinosaur?  How about the action-packed space marine adventures of Dinosaucers?  Don't lie, everyone had the Triceratops laser soldier toy thing.  So Paul shouldn't be amazed that the clone loves a dinosaur he was basically programmed to love by his own stupid parents just like the original.  After that argument, Paul and Jessie try to make another clone the old fashioned way and we almost get to see Rebecca Roman Stamos naked.  But not quite.  No nipples, no curtains. And fuck that.  If you're going to have a sex scene in your movie, don't puss around the nudity.  Embrace it.  Show her naked because she's hot and if John fucking Stamos gets to see her tits I want to too, and I've got one up on him anyway because I was never the bongo player for the Beach Boys in the 80's after the talented one went insane and they still thought they could have a career (hey Beach Boys: appearing on Home Improvement and Full House doesn't count as a career because no one likes those shows).  God damn you, Stamos.

At this point, the Adam clone (who I will refer to as "ultra Adam" from now on, and I'll also refer to the dead Adam as "zombie Adam" because zombies fucking rule) has lived longer than zombie Adam and he starts having bizarre dreams about a kid that looks like him wearing a red coat with white sleeves setting a school on fire and being laughed at by other creepy school children. You know, stuff that zombie Adam never did.  Paul and Jessie ask Richard what's going on, and he says that it's only night terrors (COBRAS!!!) and that zombie Adam didn't live this long so ultra Adam is moving into uncharted territory.  Apparently he's an explorer, but I think I missed the part of the movie where Adam finds Atlantis (it was in his pants).

Ultra Adam starts acting weird around people and having hallucinations.  There's one where he imagines smashing a hammer into some random woman's skull (I'm pretty sure that in the credits they list her as "woman getting ruined by hammer), there's one where he sets stuff on fire, and then there's a time when he finds some random shed in the woods while ignoring Paul.  Paul follows him in there and Ultra Adam is acting like he's hypnotized.  Paul starts thinking he remembers his old life, Richard says it's impossible, and there are about 400 more scenes that happen like this.  At one point, Richard calls ultra Adam Zachary and that makes the little bastard listen. This confuses only Paul because Jessie is a stupid fucking bitch. Wackiness ensues, but afterwards Ultra Adam still acts weird and has more bad hallucinations of stuff that never happened to Zombie Adam and Richard still says it's night terrors and he doesn't know who this mysterious Zachary is.

Ultra Adam takes a bath one night and keeps staring at the door.  He hears some weird noises and gets out to investigate. Now we learn that the director is also a pedophile.  The shower curtain magically gets pulled off by itself, and when ultra Adam looks in the tub, a ghost kid jumps up from under the curtain and is being suffocated.  Ultra Adam runs away and a random adult-sized slimy arm that came from the totally-out-of-context zone grabs him.  And I don't think the adult arms is supposed to make sense, because it doesn't at all, even compared to how nothing else in this crappy movie makes much sense.  Ultra Adam imagined it anyway because he's a soulless clone and must be burned at the stake before Satan enters his groin and makes him do terrible things like burning down schools or getting his own sitcom with an ex-Friends cast member.  Then Paul and Richard have another argument about night terrors.  Retard.  If ultra Adam was my kid, I'd start following him around constantly to make sure he wasn't eating the paint off the walls, and I'd carry a big stick to whack him with in case he was eating said wall paint.  Anyway, it's around this point that this new kid (whose name I don't remember but it doesn't matter because I hate him, the little shit) comes to school and acts like an asshole. From the first time you see this little bastard, you know he's going to die.  He's strutting around the schoolyard in his bright yellow coat acting like tough shit because apparently the director didn't realize that any kid wearing that coat is going to be tooled on constantly in any normal school.  I feel like I should point out that no one should ever make a movie about kids if they have no idea what it's like being one.  I know everyone's been a kid at some point, but they either forget what it was like, they were home schooled and are therefore socially retarded, or they've been living in fantasy land their whole lives.  The hardass kid challenges ultra Adam to a swing jump competition, which I was hoping to be dumbass director for "sword fight."  Nope.  It was literally a fucking swing jump competition.  Just like what real bullies do.  Fuck stealing lunch money, let's see who can swing the highest!  Then we can see how many toys we get jam into our asses!  Suddenly this movie turns into an 80's movie for three second while the two of them try to jump the farthest off the swingset to win the title of "lord of the playground."  All this part of the movie did for me was make me wish I was watching an 80's movie instead, like Rad. After a few swings, Adam starts spitting on the bully kid and his sycophantic cronies, jumps off the swing when some dumb bitch yells at him and almost breaks his genetically modified legs, and then very radly spits in the bitch's face.  Believe me, the cunt had it coming.  Then they have a parent teacher conference about how ultra Adam's fucked up in the head and the other kids are afraid of him, as they should be, for he will one day eat them all.

Paul then takes ultra Adam to a shrink who also said ultra Adam suffers from night terrors.  In other words, it was a complete waste of time and made the movie about five minutes longer, and at this point, that's fucking inexcusable.  On the way back, ultra Adam started zoning out and talking during his "night terrors," and Paul was trying to get information out of him instead of driving and almost hit a truck.  Then ultra Adam says "boobies" apparently.  I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Paul goes to Richard and flips out at him.  Since Paul's a high school biology teacher, he realizes that Richard "turned on" certain genes in the DNA used for the clone. Like a light switch. No, that makes no sense.  The writer doesn't know what DNA is, and honestly probably wrote the script by flinging his feces at a typewriter.  Paul thinks ultra Adam remembers things that happened to Zombie Adam despite the fact that Ultra Adam turns into Zachary when he's zoning out and remembers nothing of zombie Adam.  Who is Zachary?  The movie tries to explain at the end and it makes no sense how it could be possible.  I'll get to that later, not that you're still reading at this point.  You know what?  I'm sick of describing the plot. Fuck it.  Here's what happens: it turns out that Zachary Clark is Richard's son.  He was a psycho.  Paul interviewed Zachary's old babysitter that he found through impossibly dumb luck.  She's a crazy black lady that was convinced he was evil.  She tried to suffocate him in the tub but pussed out and since the director is a racist, probably went downstairs to make some fried chicken and watch Richard Pryor on the TV.  She also talks exactly how a guy who never met black people thinks they do.  I was waiting for her to start saying "massa." Zachary eventually burned his school down because kids made fun of him out of fear. Because, you know, you make fun of people you're terrified of.  Then he killed his mom in his basement with a hammer, like in ultra Adam's flashback (and I think she won an award for her excellent performance - oh, I mean she's married to the director's retarded cousin and that's why she was in the movie), set the house on fire, and started playing again.  He apparently dies in the fire, but not before giving his soul to Satan. Richard wasn't around because he was working on cloning at his hospital. Since his procedure wasn't perfected yet, he couldn't clone Zachary. Instead, he took zombie Adam's DNA to create ultra Adam, and through some miracle of make-believe physics-defying science, he programmed the cell to have Zachary's personality after the kid turned eight so he could see his son again.  Because that could happen.  Memories and everything.  I'd be willing to give the movie the benefit of the doubt if ultra Adam only remembered zombie Adam's life, but fuck you for thinking anyone would believe he remembers the life of a kid he never met not to mention a kid who's DNA was not used to make him. I'm no biologitologist or anything, but I don't think you can add genes called "that time I burned down the school" or "that time I destroyed my mom's skull with a hammer" into some other random kid's DNA.

During all of this remedial detective work, ultra Adam turns into crazy Adam, clubs the bully kid in the head, and then drowns him in the river.  And it was labeled as an accidental death.  Paul knew differently though because he used to host Talk Soup.  Whatever.  Paul then threatens to tell the press about what they did, but Richard talks him out of it because Paul's a pussy and would also be responsible.  Here's basically their conversation:

Paul: Zachary is your son!  That's why you called my son Zachary.  You flipped switches in Adam's genes to turn him into Zachary, which is obviously possible!
Richard: Yes.  I wanted to see him again because I couldn't clone the little psycho when he died.  I had no desire to clone my wife though, because that's just the kind of swell guy I am.  Only psychos get cloned. That's when I heard about your kid and decided you'd probably let me clone him, and I can use the magic Zachary memory things I added to his DNA to make him less of a pussy.
Paul: But this is my son Adam.  I'll tell everyone what you did.
Richard: You mean what we did.  It's you fault too.  You can't open Pandora's Box and then close it again!
Me: That makes no fucking sense whatsoever.  What the fuck are they talking about?  Pandora's Box?  Wait - if De Niro didn't have Zachary DNA, how the fuck did he give ultra Adam Zachary's memories?  Gilligan's Island is more feasible than that.

Meanwhile, ultra Adam finds pictures of Zombie Adam, Jessie tries to explain (poorly because she's a stupid bitch that left pictures of her dead son the clone doesn't know about in a box out in the open in the basement, not locked or anything; dumbass), and he runs off.  Then we cut to a clip of Paul running through the woods, and normally when you see someone running like this, it ends in hugs and everyone gets an award.  Then, Jessie finds ultra Adam in the shed in the woods, and he almost axes her in the face but Paul comes in the nick of time to save her.  Then, out of fucking nowhere, it's six months later, they've moved, and ultra Adam gets pulled into the closet by Zachary, probably symbolizing how the director is also a homophobe and thinks all gays should stay in the closet.  What a fucking bigot. Then the movie just kind of ends, and I thank fucking god I didn't actually pay to see this tripe.

Okay, I'm guessing no one could figure out how to end this shit because it just kind of ends.  Their son killed some kid and nothing ever happens with it.  No one cares. We don't find out what happened with Richard, and we don't find out what the fuck he was talking about with his Pandora's Box rant.  Nothing.  It just ends with the kid still fucking loony.  Holy resolution, Batman.  In reading reviews of this movie, people kept bringing up some twist.  I guess the twist is that the director can make a movie without an ending and still get it released into theaters.  What a fucking gyp. The movie sucked so fucking bad.  In all of ultra Adam's hallucinations, he saw a kid in zombie Adam's red coat setting fires and whacking people with hammers, and it even looked like zombie Adam's face in half of them.  He was even wearing zombie Adam's ugly red shoes.  But it wasn't zombie Adam.  What the fuck?  And, how could he be remembering Zachary's life when he wasn't made from Zachary's DNA. You can't just fuck with some genes to give a kid memories of some one else's life. How the fuck does that work?  And to assholes that makes movies that fall under the poorly-named "chiller" category: stop making movies about fucking kids.  No one likes kids.  No one wants to see kids in horror movies.  No one cares.  I know, the film community masturbates to the Sixth Sense, but that doesn't mean every movie with a bastard little kid is going to be fucking awesome, especially if the script was written with fucking Mad Libs.  It won't even be good if Robert De Niro is in it, because if he made little kid horror movies good, Hide and Seek would've been a much better movie.  No more kids in movies, you fucking assholes.  And, now that I think about it, De Niro hasn't made a good movie in I don't even know how long, so keep him out of movies too, at least until he's in a movie about the mob or boxing or something.

And by the way, I know it's Rebecca Romijn Stamos.  I just think that looks stupid, so fuck you.  Poke your holes somewhere else, dick.