Oh yes, Death Race 2000.  Awesome fucking movie.  Probably the best movie Stallone's ever been in save for the Rambo movies (Rocky can eat my ass).  I actually only saw this once.  It was about a year ago and I was drunk.  So this review should be fucking terrific.  Oh, and I don't know any character names.  Tough shit.

This is David Carradine.  His character's name is Frankenstein.  I know what you're thinking: "Sweet, we don't have to look at that motherfucker's face because he's wearing a motherfuckin' gimp mask.  Motherfucker."  You people are crass.  Well, tough shit, because he takes it off.  He talks all kinds of shit about how his face is fucked up from a death race to his new navigator (the hot bitch in the passenger seat; well, hot for when the movie came out, I suppose).  Well, he's full of shit.  He's trying to sell his image.  What a pussy.

He is basically a bad motherfucker and Stallone's character, Machine Gun Joe (I swear to god that's his name), fucking hates him.  Also, Frankenstein's navigator is trying to capture him for the resistance, who's led by Betsy Ross' ancestor or some shit.  I doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but the beauty is that it doesn't have to.

This is Frankenstein's car.  As you can see, it's extremely fucking gay.  It looks like he stole it from a merry-go-round in a haunted house and stuck a go-kart engine in there.

Anyway, now that I have that out of the way, let's talk about premise.  The premise of this movie is that it's the year 2000 and the whole world is ruled by the Emperor of America.  No, it's not that far from the truth.  The Emperor created the whole Death Race thing.  He gets all the homicidal maniacs in the world, puts them in the ugliest piece-of-shit cars ever, signs them up with a navigator, and tells them to race each other.  Oh, and in addition to racing, they have to get the most points.  You get points by killing people.  I told you that this movie was fucking sweet.  There is a point system for everything.  Seniors are 100 points, kids, women, etc. are all assigned a point value.  Then crazy people, crazier than the drivers, try to get run over while holding up signs.  It is totally fucking sweet.

This is the greatest sport ever right now.  The Emperor rules the world by holding this race and the resistance is trying to overthrow the Emperor. That's why they send one of their douche-bag "soldiers" to pose as Frankenstein's navigator. They want to kidnap/kill him since he's the best racer ever. Yeah.  Then the stupid bitch falls in love with him. Who could resist that face though?  Look at him.  Put the mask back on, dude. You're making the children cry.

In order to stop the races, the rebels make bombs out of toddlers that blow up the racers when they hit them.  So instead of getting a shit load of points, they get blown into a shit load of different directions.  One driver hits a baby bomb and blows the fuck up.  High-larious.  They try to get Frankenstein instead, though, because he's the Emperor's boy and all the racing fans want his bird.

Well, it turns out the Frankie hates the Prez more than anything, and he has a grenade instead of a hand.  The winner of the race gets to shake hands with the president.  See where this is going?  Frankenstein wins the race, and then he and the Emperor go out for tea and crumpets.  The end.

What Did we Learn?

• David Carradine's an even bigger pussy when he's supposed to be the bad guy.

• In the late 70's/early 80's, candid nude shots in movies are not boner-inducing.

• If your nickname is "Machine Gun," you have no patience and like to shoot stadiums full of people at random.

• All toddlers are really explosives.

• Cheerleaders cheer until they die.

• I want to be the Emperor of America when I grow up.

• I'm glad I didn't grow up in the seventies.