Usually, when you have a movie that was made with no budget, talent, or resources, you know that the movie, while probably hilarious, is going to suck donkey balls. Those movies' ineptitude can be excused.  However, once a year there's a new big-budget Hollywood extravaganza disaster movie that comes out, people flock to, and sucks royally.  The Day After Tomorrow is one of these movies.  It's sort of entertaining, but it's still not good.  All of the plus points to this movie are a direct result of the special effects.  Everything else about this movie is pretty much garbage.  I don't mean rotten food and shredded document garbage, either; I'm talking about biological waste, dumpster-behind-the-abortion-clinic garbage.  The producers responsible for hiring the no-talent writer of this script should choke to death on their caviar and get eaten by feral hookers.

This picture, unfortunately, has nothing to do with this movie.  I say "unfortunately" because including a screaming metal centaur character that flies would obviously make this movie fucking awesome.  Look at this picture.  It is obviously the coolest thing in the universe and can make anything better, just like Robocop.  Especially flying Robocop from Robocop 3.  Look at him.  Look at him in all his glory.  He is flying down from the heavens to righteously club evildoers everywhere, all the while screaming the lyrics to Cum On Feel The Noize.  Whoever Photoshopped this picture is either a genius or a complete madman, and I am officially nominating this guy for the Nobel Prize in the category of Kicking Ass.  When I become Overlord of the Universe, I will commission this guy and several mad scientists to build me an unstoppable army of club-wielding centaurs of righteous doom, destruction, and metal.

Anyway, back to the movie.  The Day After Tomorrow was made by the same visionaries responsible for Independence Day.  They're both disaster movies.  They both rely on special effects to make people want to see them.  However, The Day After Tomorrow has one fatal flaw: they miscast the one main character, Dr. Jack Hall.  When the producers were putting together the casting sheet while masturbating over the success of Independence Day, they accidentally picked Dennis Quaid to play this guy.  Obviously, they meant to pick Randy Quaid.  See, when they made Independence Day, they new that the only way to make that movie remotely good is to have one of the characters be a drunken redneck whose alcoholism leads to slap-sticky mistakes - with hilarious results.  Seriously, if you were making a stupid movie, and the script called for a geologist that likes to walk in the snow, who would you pick?  This guy?

Or this guy?

Yeah, that's what I thought.  Dennis Quaid is all serious and constantly whining about global warming and the new ice age.  If Randy Quaid played this part, Jack Hall would drink moonshine, shit his pants, and inadvertently save Christmas by kidnapping Clark Griswald's boss.  That would be so much better.  Plus, you can never go wrong with a Terry stash and a shirt that was made by retarded children in finger-painting class.  Oh, and next to Randy Quaid?  That's Kurt Warner's wife.  She eats children.

Independence Day also had a casting fuck-up.  They made Bill Pullman the President.  Dumbasses, it should've been Bill Paxton.  Then when aliens started ruining shit, he could've just screamed "Game over, man, game over!" for the rest of the movie.

Glaring casting problems aside, let's talk about what happens in the movie.  It starts off with Jack Hall and his science buddies wasting money in Antarctica collecting cylinders of ice for some stupid reason.  Then a chunk of the ice shelf they're on splits off for no reason whatsoever, and Jack Hall almost falls in while rescuing his precious, precious tubes of ice (he's planning on making some kickass daiquiris later).  Oh yeah, that's right.  The giant crack goes right through the middle of their camp.  "Million-to-one shot, Doc!  Million-to-one!" He later says at a press conference that the size of the ice chunk was as big as Rhode Island.  All that did was make me angry that the real Rhode Island never sank into the sea, California-style.  Goddamned New Englanders and their fucking bullshit.  Mark my words, pilgrims: you'll get yours.

Then we go to some scientists in England talking about how the ocean temperature is dropping.  One of them is a black guy, and black guys with british accents are weird.  Then nothing happens for a while.

At the press conference, Jack Hall (non Cousin Eddie) says that global warming is triggering a new ice age.  Dun dun dun dunnnn.  Of course, no one believes him and the vice president tells him that he's a fuck-tard.  So did I.  Here's another major fucking problem with this movie.  It's a disaster movie, and the writers and producers are ignoring the lessons we learned from Twister that natural disasters are for pussies.  All disaster movies should be about aliens, Godzilla, the revolution of the mole people, robot holocausts, or the enormously large marshmallow child pictured on the left. Think about it: what would scare you more, a lot of snow, or this beastly demon-child charging at you full-speed?  If you said snow, than you must not realize that to her you look like a giant, succulent turkey.

Jack goes home.  His kid is Donnie Darko, and Donnie Darko hates him.  Probably because he knows his dad should've been a drunken baffoon.  His wife is a surgeon, so you can already tell that she's going to be babysitting cancerous kids at some point instead of fleeing for her life.  Movie makers do this to trick you into thinking they don't laugh at you and wipe their asses with your eight dollars.  It turns out that Donnie Darko is a genius kid that's going to NYC to be in some student trivia contest or some loser shit like that.

Back to the british guys, there's more chaos.  Don't worry, though, because they'll be dead soon enough.  No one cares, either.

Now we meet Donnie Darko's friends.  They're on a plane and it almost crashes.  It starts dropping out of the sky while the stewardesses are serving half-cans of soda to the sardines in coach.  Here's another flaw.  They could have pointlessly, yet radly killed a stewardess by an out of control drink cart.  She got out of the way just in time.  "Booo!" I say.

When Donnie Darko gets to Manhattan, hordes of birds are flying south for the armageddon.  Here's yet another movie flaw.  Were this a good movie, the birds would swarm down and peck people to death, like that one old movie where birds were everywhere and the birds started attacking people and then the people ran away from the birds so the birds wouldn't eat them?  Yeah, I think it was called "Winged Monsters of Death," or as it was called in Japan, "Bird Happiness to Destroy Lucky Round-Eyes: Tentacle Penetration Party Dynomite Extreme!"  He and his stupid friends go to where ever and meet Donnie Darko's rival, who is trying to steal his girl.  Donnie Darko's girl is like Penelope Cruz, only more rat-faced (if you can believe that).  No, Penelope Cruz is not attractive at all.  She looks like a wet rat.  Here they all are in the picture to the left.  Clockwise from the upper-right: John Maher, Donnie Darko, Orphan Penelope Cruz, and Steve Urkel.

Now we go to LA.  LA is being buried by tornados.  Lots of stupid people get killed and no one cares.  For some reason, the first stage of a new ice age is a hailstorm in Tokyo (which at least makes a little sense - not as much sense as a Godzilla attack or a ninja battle though) and then many giant tornados in LA.  Some dude who's working at a weather office is trying to fuck the secretary from Airheads, and then shit goes nuts with the tornados.  Pepe, the janitor, is in the hallway.  When shit calms down in their building, he goes into the room where dude and Airheads girl are, and in the coolest part of the movie, that whole part of the building is gone. Then I'm pretty sure Pepe says something like "Holy Friholes!  Muy de macha dos locos enchiladas taco salsa!"  Oh yeah, and Capitol Records gets destroyed.

A lot of time goes by in the movie.  People are talking about shit and absolutely nothing happens.  The producers start laughing all the way to the bank.

A bunch of helicopters are flying around in England for some stupid fucking reason.  It's snowing a lot, the fuel lines freeze, and the helicopters crash.  Then one of the pilots gets out and freezes immediately.  And yes, it looks exactly like the T-1000 freezing in Terminator 2.  The British weather people realize they're fucked, so they start drinking.  Then the black guy tells us some sob story about his girl and his kid, and I'm pretty sure the only people in the audience that were crying were doing so because they realized that $8 is too much to pay to see this crap.  Anyway, that's pretty much the last we see of them.  Once again, no one cares.

I don't know who this guy is to the left.  I found it while looking for pictures from the movie.  I don't remember him being in it at all.  He does look kind of important, as if to say "You there!  You're totally fucked when the ice age created by my weather machine wipes out the planet.  Mwa ha haaaa!  Not even James Bond can stop me now!"

Then we continue to a lot more of nothing happening for a while.  If you're watching this movie, you can use this time to read a book, take a nap, or repeatedly stab yourself in the face with crude weapons made from Jujifruits, Milk Duds, and those Sno Caps things that you can only get in movie theaters.  Of your limited options, I'd have to say that being stabbed in the face is the best one.  It's better than watching nothing happen, anyway.

Then it starts to rain in Manhattan.  A lot.  Water is even bubbling up from the sewers.  Here's another flaw in the movie. Showing water overflowing out of the sewers completely removes any hope of seeing mole people.  After everything is frozen, the mole people could come out of their dens and feast on the surviving surface-dwellers, capping off in a giant battle of epic proportions between the mole people and the normies.  Boo that.  Then they cut to the Central Park Zoo, and one asshole says that the timber wolves have mysteriously escaped.  They don't say why this has happened.  For reasons unknown, their cage is destroyed and they get out.  This is what's called "foreshadowing" in crappy movies.  Instead of letting you try to guess what's going to happen later due to subtle clues, they ram the "wolves will attack at some point" theme directly into you esophagus.  And then that theme takes a shit in there and it all lands in your stomach.  Then a tidal wave comes through Manhattan and everyone scrambles into the library.  The stupid rat-face cunt gets her leg stuck when she's trying to save her bag (god knows she can't be without her makeup, not that it does her any good), and Donnie Darko heroically saves her stupid fucking ass while John Mayer (I don't know how to spell his name, fuck off) does nothing.  Pussy.  Here's what it looks like:

People running like pussies.

Stupid bitch getting stuck.

More people running like pussies.

Donnie Darko saving said stupid bitch while a tidal wave is coming.  Not pictured: Frank the giant bunny rabbit.

I've blown things out of my nose more clever than this shit, I swear.  Like an MTV logo.  Also, the rat-face bitch cuts her leg.  It eventually gets infected and she doesn't tell anyone about it.  Dumb cunt.

Now everyone's in the library.  Donnie Darko calls his dad, Dennis (not Randy) Quaid, and he decides to go to NYC to save his son after giving him stupid advice on ice ages, like he fucking knows.  That's right.  I said he's going to walk to Manhattan from DC during the FUCKING ICE AGE!!!!  Holy fucking ridiculous, Batman!  But he does it and takes his two helper-monkey scientists with him.  Back to the library, Donnie Darko shivers constantly, rat-faced bitch has the flu because her leg hurts (I don't know either, it just happens), Urkel is totally annoying, there's a bum with his dog and he won't shut up just like every other disaster movie in the universe, and then a giant boat floats down the street and crashes into a building.  I'm dead fucking serious.

Then everything freezes.  Hooray.

Some fat cop leads people out of the library despite Donnie Darko's protests.  Yeah, they eventually freeze to death.  Nothing happens for a while again.  Oh, and Donnie Darko's mom is at her hospital watching over some kid with cancer.  She stays behind during the evacuation because of the kid.  Kids fuck everything up.

Dennis (not Randy) Quaid and crew are walking on top of the Gallery in Philly, and the older guy's sled of shit that he's attached to falls through glass.  Since they're all tied together, he cuts the rope and kills himself.  The audience is supposed to feel sad or proud or some shit, but you'll really just be glad that the guy's dead. Seriously.

Since the rat-faced bitch is dying, Donnie Darko, Urkel, and John Mayer all decide that there must be lots of medicine on the giant boat that is parked out front, so they go to get some.  While they're in there, wolves attack them.  It's pointless.  John Mayer gets bitten in the arm or leg or something because wolves can sense pussiness, especially when it's oozing out of the guy's pores.  Then as they're leaving, the eye of the storm rolls over them and starts freezing everything.  So they run to the library as fast as they can, pulling John Mayer in a life raft.  Hey, man, just because 15-year-old girls everywhere bought your album doesn't mean that you can force Urkel to pull you around where ever you go like you're royalty.  Fucking asshole.  Unfortunately they don't die.

First off, how'd they know where to find medicine? Second, how did the wolves not drown?  Third, fuck you, Day After Tomorrow.  Fuck the wolves, fuck the boat, fuck the whiny bitch with the cut in her leg that gave her malaria, and fuck the fact that you find it feasible for Dennis (not Randy) Quaid to walk all the way to NYC from DC in the worst blizzard ever.

Speaking of, back to that crew.  The younger guy passes out from an estrogen overdose just as shit starts super-freezing.  Super-freezing is the technical term I made up to describe when everything freezes instantly and you can see it happening.  They break into a Wendy's and light the stove.  Somehow this creates enough heat to keep them warm.  Go figure.

Meanwhile, all the people in the US migrate to Mexico. Yeah, like that would happen.  Also, Donnie Darko's mom eventually gets rescued by an ambulance and she magically appears in Mexico too.

Eventually, Quaid and helper-guy get to the library in New York City, save Donnie Darko and company, and go to Mexico.  The Vice President apologies for being a douche (oh yeah, the president's dead at this point too), and the movie ends.  The moral of the story is "global warming turns people into Mexicans."  The end.