Bad Channels.  This movie.  Is.  Ridiculous.  It starts off with Dangerous Dan O'Dare, "bad-boy" DJ extraordinaire chained to his DJ deck and playing polka non-stop.  Oh, he will not stop until some asshole guesses the correct combination to the lock around his neck.  Yes.  That's how it starts. The radio station is called Rebel Radio, or some other cliché bullshit like that.  I mean, this DJ is supposed to be all badass and people describe him with phrases like "doesn't play by the rules."  But look at him.  Look at him chained to that desk.  He looks like a cross between Steve Gutenberg and the dude that played Rodney Dangerfield's kid in Back to School (which is an awesome fucking movie).  Yes, plead with the people.  Beg for forgiveness.  And save your food stamps.  You'll need them.

Anyway, he gets interviewed by a tool named Flip or some shit.  Yes, like Flip Wilson.  WOOOO!  This douche is an anchor that's fucking this Russian weathergirl bitch, and in order to get publicity for his new radio show (because that's what bad-boy DJ's do), he fixes the contest so that Flip wins.  Danger Dan never even had the shit locked.  Fucking Flip could've said any three random numbers to win, and do you know which fucking numbers this subnormal fuckhead chooses?  1-2-3.  Yeah.  And as we all learned from Spaceballs, that makes Flip a fucking retard.  Anyway, this thankfully makes the polka stop.

This is Lisa.  Lisa's a reporter at Flip and Russian-bitch's news station.  Oh, and by the way?  The news station hasn't been redecorated since the fucking early 70's.  Anyway, she goes to Rebel Radio (ROOOOCK!) to interview Double O'Dare for some stupid fucking reason that doesn't make sense.  She finds out the contest was fixed, flips her shit because she's got a cactus up her cunt, and basically bitches for a while and leaves.  Then, an alien lands and he and his sweet-ass trash-can robot take over the station by spraying athlete's foot over everything.  Yes.  Fungus.  Rock.  He sets up his goofy equipment that consists of a View Master a bunch of jars, and two levers, and starts going to work on those levers.  Oh yes.

The engineer (some fat fuck not worth mentioning because he doesn't look like anyone from Police Academy) gets attacked by the alien and his big, dopey head.  Then the engineer is sprayed with more athlete's foot.  Hooray.  The whole time this nonsense is going on, Danny Boy is broadcasting from the booth and explaining all this wacky nonsense.  Of course, no one believes him because everyone within earshot knows he's full of shit.  Would you trust someone who looks like Steve Gutenberg?  Of course you wouldn't.

Here is the big, badass alien.  Look at his melon fucking head.  The stagehands made this thing with the snot stuck underneath desks in elementary schools everywhere.  Then some lucky bastard had to wear it.  Sucks to be you, dude.

Anyway, after fucking with the levers for half an eternity, the alien makes some waitress at a diner (also conveniently in the middle of fucking nowhere) hallucinate.  And what does Cookie see?  Some cock rock band breaking through the walls and start filming a music video.  I swear to god. After this goes on for too long, Cookie vanishes and pops up in the studio in one of the glass jars. Oh, and she's also 12 inches tall.  The plot thickens.

This nonsense happens again in a high school gym. Some goofy looking dude is practicing his rusty trombone for marching band, and he's date-raping this girl Bunny with his mind.  You can totally see it.  Also, other than "Lisa," every name in this movie is fucking retarded.  "Dan" is normal.  Not when you sandwich it in between "Dangerous" and "O'Dare," though.  Anyway, the alien does his shit again, and all of the sudden Soundgarden/Puddle of Mudd/[fill in crappy grunge band HERE] start playing in the gym, Bunny starts dancing, and then pops up in a bottle.

Yes, to the left is exactly what this all looks like: complete fucking insanity.  These guys ROCK!

Various cops and whatnot gather outside the studio because... I have no idea, and they try to get in.  They can't because of the fungus.  That's right, mushrooms on walls are keeping people out.  Two hired goons in black try to hammer their way in, but they get showered with fungus and fall over.  Seriously.

Now is the coolest part of the movie.  A nurse, Ginger, that pops up from time to time is listening to Dan O'Dare (while he's pleading with the public to stop listening), and now starts the coolest musical montage in any movie ever.  It's this band in an insane asylum playing a metal song called "I'm so happy" or something.  This part makes the whole fucking movie.  The lead singer is dressed like a crazy clown, the guitar player is a nun slamming his body into walls, and the bass player looks... sort of like Buckethead (Buckethead sucks).  There are creepy zombie-like elderly mental patients and operating rooms and all kinds of other insanity going on.  And the whole time, the nurse is stripping and dancing in the operating room while the doctors look at her like she's fucking nuts.  Then she gets zapped into a bottle.  The alien now has three mini women, and one more bottle to fill.  Guess which one he wants.

That's right, he wants Reporter Lisa.  By now, there's quite the large gathering of slacked-jawed gawkers outside.  One of them is Lisa, another is the goofy trombone kid.  The alien tries to zap Lisa, but gets the kid instead.  Then Danny says "The alien missed Lisa and got some goofy-lookin' kid instead!"  This pisses the alien off to no end, so he takes his magic wand (seriously) and blows his fucking robot buddy up.  Beedy beedy beedy BOOM.  That robot is totally sweet, and the alien fucking destroys it.  What the fuck is that shit?

Anyway, the alien gets rid of the goofy kid and gets Lisa.  Then Dan fights the robot, frees Lisa, and they both spray the alien to death with disinfectant.  It might have even been tough actin' Tinactin.  Who knows.

Look at how tough he's trying to be.  Do you now see what I mean about Steve Gutenberg and Rodney Dangerfield's movie-kid?  Look at him.  Look at his stupid angry face.  This is the guy who is supposed to be a badass motherfuckin' DJ.  This guy doesn't play by the rules?  Get the fuck out of here.  Also, he supposedly lost his old DJ job for fucking the traffic girl while on the air.  Yeah fucking right.  You KNOW this guy can't get laid, fictionally or in real life.  In fact, after starring in this movie, his chances of getting laid went down from 0.12% to 0.0048%.  Granted, it's hard to be a badass with an aerosol can of disinfectant, but he could've done a little better than that.  I think that if the director wanted a believable badass, he should've gotten a guy with a mohawk and a tattoo of a flaming skull on his forehead, deck him out in leather and chains, and then make him eat a record every five minutes in the loudest way possible.  Then I might have bought it.

It turns out that this just pissed the alien off to no end, and he explodes out of his giant-headed spacesuit to reveal that he's a plant-guy-thing. Uh huh.  And Dan and Lisa spray the motherfucker to death and leave the studio.  Oh, but what's this, They freed Ginger and Cookie, but they forgot about Bunny.  In fact, the weenie goofball trombone kid lets everyone know this by whining out, "Bunny?  Where's Bunny?"  He says it so weasily that he sounds like Hans Moleman.  Then it cuts to Bunny in a glass jar screaming for help and pounding on the glassy walls of her tiny, tiny prison.  The end.

What Did We Learn?

• Aliens love rock n' fuckin' roll!

• In the middle of Nowheresville, CA, it doesn't take much to be a badass.

• News anchors named Flip love to fuck Russian weathergirls and smugly say the stupidest shit ever.

• Polka sucks ass.

• Fungus is a strong door-blocker.

• Nuns that play guitar and ram into walls fucking rule.

• Every woman in a small desert town has a stripper/pornstar name, unless you're a reporter.

• All radio stations have a ludicrously large supply of aerosol disinfectant spray.

• Plant creatures shoot athlete's foot.

• The actor that played Dangerous Dan O'Dare is desperately hoping that a movie producer will visit the soup kitchen he dines at for another chance at being an actor.

• The same thing can be said for the actress that played Lisa.