(Please note that I tried my best to find this commercial on YouTube or Google video or anywhere else on the internet, and I couldn't.  I'm also not going to hook my laptop to my TV and sit there waiting for the commercial to come on so I can record it, even though I'd probably only have to wait like 10 minutes.  Yes, I am that lazy.  What I did learn, though, was that approximately 85% of the internet that isn't porn is made up of videos of people reviewing different kinds of Progresso soup.  These videos are everywhere, I'm not joking, check it out.  Thanks for opinions on soup that I didn't ask for, bored dimwitted people of America.  I salute your Neurotic soup obsession!)

Do you know what's better than watching a party full of fat women in "slimming" black dresses talk about their favorite soups?  Having your balls attacked by angry cats.  Or anything else.  The entire commercial is exactly that: women talking about soups while you're sitting there watching them do it, wishing you were feeding yourself through a wood chipper instead.  They all name their diets after the flavor of soup they like, as in "It's my chicken noodle diet," but never, not once do any of them mention a soup flavor that would satisfy us, the viewers, such as "Cyanide and Rabies Soup," "Heroin and Broken Glass Soup," "Shoot Me in the Fucking Head Soup," etc.  This nonsense reaches its peak of unbearability when one woman tells another woman, "It's working for you."  Holy shit, her voice makes me want to find her and murder her entire family, chop them up, turn them into soup, and then feed them to her.  Her voice is the most annoying, whiny, nasally, blood-boiling sound I have ever heard a pseudo-human make.

One thing I feel I should mention (and maybe I'm not remembering the commercial correctly for obvious reasons): there are no men at this soupgasm party.  The only people there are women in black dresses that won't shut the fuck up about soup.  Why?  Because they killed themselves.  There's only so much soup diet nonsense a guy can take.  I just wish they took their beast women with them.

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