__ __________________. . .This
ain't yo momma's birf control!
NUVARING
BIRTH CONTROL
Finally, birth control for the
woman who is too scatterbrained and lazy to remember to take a pill
every day! It's about time. But that's beside the point.
I'm here to talk about the commercial itself. The commercial that
runs on every channel during every commercial break non-stop for
what seems like the past decade. It features a jingle that
invades your brain and menstruates all fucking over it.
The commercial opens with women
synchronized swimming and dressed like they're on a beach in 1924.
This beginning sequence is also an oh-so-clever metaphor for the
birth control pill. Fucking GENIUS! "Holy shit, it's so
smart and well done! Get it? Get it?! The women in
yellow are birth control pills and the women in pink are totally
placebos! High five! All right! We are the best ad
people ever!" ejaculated the people that came up with this
bullshit. One by one, the women get sick of their fruity
little swimming jamboree and leave the pool. They walk over to
a Jacuzzi, whip off their bathing caps and transform their bathing
suits into bikinis. Then they join other women who can't
remember to take a pill every day, drink a cosmo or bay breeze or
some other kind of umbrella drink that is delivered to them by a
cabana boy, and giggle about pillow fights and shoes and Grey's
Anatomy, or whatever giggling snooty bitches like to giggle about. At
the end of the commercial, a black chick takes off her bathing cap
and her huge afro explodes out of it. The end.
The worst part of this commercial, and
the reason it will never go away, is that they keep re-releasing it
with minor tweaks and will probably continue to do that for years. It's like the creators (who I'm assuming
are women) are so proud of this masterpiece that they refuse to make
a new commercial. I guess they make little changes here and
there to trick stupid people into thinking it's a whole new
ad. You know, the kind of person that's so stupid he
or she doesn't know which side of the TV to watch. When the
commercial first came out, I'm pretty sure it was animated, but the
kind of animation where they film real people doing shit and then
pass the video through some kind of "my gay little pony coloring book"
animation filter so it looks like an easter-egg-colored cartoon. Then it was
exactly the same but without the animation filter (which is the clip
I posted at the top of the page). Now, it's latest incarnation is the
synchronized swimmers are in black and white, and once the women get
fed up with their stupid boring song and boring dance and monotonous
birth control method and leave the pool, they
break the color barrier and are no longer in black and white, which
I'm guessing symbolizes the rad new hip young NuvaRing birth control
party.
It's like when Dorothy crashes into Oz, which would be great if it
meant I could throw water on these bitches to melt them into
puddles of cunt which would kill the commercial and keep it off my
fucking TV forever.