____________________________ ____________. . .The
bad taste is what makes it awesome.
MIRACLE
WHIP
Do you wish you were a bad
motherfucker?! Do you want to be the hippest sonofabitch on
the block?! Well, you ain't cool unless you eat Miracle Whip
by the handful! Miracle Whip is the most badass, unique, and
authentic condiment ever created. Never mind the fact that it
tastes like monkey ass rolled in vinegar and pus, it's the only
sandwich topping the cool kids will slather on their ironic bologna and
Kraft Singles sandwiches! You want to be cool, right? Who
doesn't?
I will never
understand how people can stand the taste of Miracle Whip, let alone
like it. True story: years ago I went to the store and
picked up a jar of mayo. I made a sandwich with it, and I
thought the meat had gone bad. Turns out I accidentally bought
Miracle Whip instead of mayo since the labels look very similar when
you're not paying attention (and I'm usually not paying attention).
Why would someone go out of their way to eat something that makes
other food taste rancid? Oh, wait, because according to this
commercial, Miracle Whip is as rad as hypercolor, snap bracelets,
and bedazzled denim jackets!
Another thing that bothers me is the
fact that Miracle Whip comes right out and says that they refuse to
"tone it down." They may as well have just said, "We know this
shit tastes horrible, but you will fucking eat it and like it.
Join our Miracle Whip army." They say it has a unique,
one-of-a-kind flavor. That doesn't mean it's good. Do
you know what else has a unique, one-of-a-kid flavor? Vomit.
So, shit, I guess you'd better start eating vomit. It'll be a
good time though, I promise. Just call up all of your hip,
unique, irony-loving friends, head up to the roof of your sweet loft in your
awesomely authentic gentrified neighborhood, set up the baby pool,
and chow down on your fucking barf.
I think the girl with the bad haircut
seductively holding the tub of Miracle Whip at the end of the
commercial uses that stuff as lube. Disclaimer: Miracle Whip
does not prevent sexually transmitted diseases, and while using
Miracle Whip it may still be possible to infect others between
outbreaks. Remember that, lady, because
judging by the crew you hang out with, you are swimming
in a sea of herpes.