_____ _ ____________________________. . .What's
this Google thing you're talking about?
KGB
Have you ever had that problem where
you were trying to think of something, and it's right on the tip of
your tongue, but you're completely drawing a blank? Well good news, mouth-breathers!
For the low, low price of $0.99, you can text your question to an
entirely superfluous company to get the answer! It doesn't
matter where you are or what you're doing. As long as you have
a cell phone and a crippling learning disability, you will become a
fount of trivia information! Amaze your friends by becoming a
medium through which all of their precious, life-altering questions
will be answered, and it won't cost you a dime because your parents
pay your cell phone bill! And who cares, right? Last
week, they were all, "I'm taking that phone away from you if you
don't stop racking up my cell phone bill with meaningless garbage,
young lady.
Cell phones are a responsibility and blah blah blah," and you're
all, "Fuck you, mom and dad! You can't tell me what to do!
You can't take my phone away from me! My phone is my life!
It's my phone, and I'll do what I want with it! Oh, and it
says I can't text anymore this month because I reached my limit.
Can you guys bump up to an unlimited texting plan? Kelly's
parents gave her an unlimited texting plan. No? YOU HATE
ME!"
I'm generous enough to admit that this
service may have come in handy for you once or twice five years ago,
like that time you were camping in the woods and were wondering if
it's considered gay to bang a dude, you know, for survival, but
these days I don't think it's even possible to get a cell
phone that can't get on the internet. And what good is the
internet? For one thing, that's where Google is. You
know what Google is, right? It's that nifty answer genie that
lives inside computers where, if you enter something into it, it
magically gives you links to websites that can answer your idiot questions
for you! Wow! Granted, most plans charge a flat fee for
internet service on your phone, but I'm willing to bet that the type
of person dumb enough to text one question to KGB is also dumb
enough to text many questions to KGB, and how much is that
going to cost? Oh, right, you don't care because if you're
that stupid, chances are you're a 16-year-old girl with at least one
abortion under your belt whose parents pay your bills for you.
These commercials are on TV a lot, and
they don't bother me too much by themselves. What bothers me
is the fact that there are morons out there who will actually text
them their inane bullshit questions and paying money to do so.
I can't even really fault the KGB people for coming up with this
shit because it's an almost guaranteed moneymaker. I wish I
thought of it first. Honestly, if people are willing to send
texts to companies that will charge you for a "hilarious" joke every
day, a background picture of a monkey fucking a Ferrari, or a
ringtone made up of fart sounds, why wouldn't people pay someone to
reveal to them the great mysteries of the cosmos, like, "Can you
milk a hamster?" "What's in a margarita?" and "Is it normal if I pee
blood?"