I keep hearing about a crazian and a trailer park princess with eight kids on TV, on the radio, at work, at the supermarket, fucking everywhere.  For anyone who doesn't know who these people are, they have a reality show on TLC because they are big fans of fertility drugs and had eight kids.  Now they are getting divorced because of their show.  Apparently the guy is banging some skanky teacher from Reading and the woman is banging her bodyguard/grandfather (why the fuck would anyone willingly move to Reading and live there?  Reading is a shit hole with one redeeming feature: an Irish bar called The Ugly Oyster.  It's not worth going there just for the bar, but if for some reason you've been taken to Reading against your will, that place is decent.  And now that I've said that, if I ever go to that bar again, I'm expecting free drinks for the plug).  So yeah, who cares?  A reality TV couple is getting divorced; that never happens.

The worst part of all of this is that these people live in my general area.  Reading is like 50 miles from Philadelphia, so not only are all of the national stupid tabloid shows that my wife watches talking about this shit, but regular local news won't shut the fuck up about it either.  And which local news show talks about them the most?  Good Day fucking Philadelphia.  New news staff, same bullshit.  I find it extremely hard to believe that anyone cares this much about these people.  Who even watched John & Kunt plus kids?  Did anyone really watch this show?  I honestly think the only reason it's so popular is because her name rhymes with the number of kids they have.  That, and because it looks like she cuts her hair with a lawnmower.  I guess one reason why people care is that everyday people can easily identify with their situation so it sucks when they split up.  Wait a minute, I meant the complete opposite of that.  No one can fucking identify with them.  No one else has 8 kids and decided their children's future therapy bills were a small price to pay for reality TV fame and a big paycheck.

Maybe when they first decided to do a TV show, they had good intentions.  Intentions like, "Well, our stupid asses had fucking EIGHT KIDS and kids are really expensive, now what are we going to do?  I've got it!  We'll do a reality show on a channel nobody fucking watches and make our eight kids dance for nickels!  They'll grow up totally normal, don't worry."  At some point during this tour de force of triviality, I heard that John and Kate Plus Eight was TLC's highest-rated show.  No shit?  What else is on that channel?  Is Trading Spaces on there?  If so, that's the only show I've heard of, and no one watches that, either.  This 8 kids show was on for two or three years before I'd even heard of it.  Who could possibly be watching it, and not only watch it, but like it enough to be a self-professed fan of it?

People like this and like this.  Meth addicts who forget to pay their water bills and girls who look like beanbags and probably smell like Combos.  In other words, people whose only effect on society is obnoxious YouTube videos where they talk about people they don't know and will never meet.  Also, and I tried for longer than I probably should have to find a clip for this, but on one local news show out here, they were doing a piece on people who stand outside the John and Kate compound fence with fucking video cameras hoping to see them, film them, and masturbate to the video later, and they showed this almost retarded child practically crying outside their house with a camera, blubbering about how he loves the show and loves them and only wants to take a picture of them and how this will somehow validate his miserable existence.  It was the most pathetic thing I have ever seen in my life, and it only lasted two minutes.  This kid was around 12-years-old, fat, had a lisp, and his nickname was probably "Lumpy."  Then, they cut to the kid's mustachioed father, sitting in a pickup truck (of course), talking about how much his son loves John and Kate, with only a barely-detectable hint of paternal shame.  Wait, it wasn't so much barely-detectable as it was completely fucking obvious.  This guy's face said it all.  He could not have been more disappointed in his fat, whiny, probably gay son.  You could practically read his thoughts.  Yeah, out loud he's saying something like, "I feel bad fer the li'l guy.  He jes wants ta see them Joe and Karl people and take them's photygraphs.  The judge dun said it's my weekend wit' the kid, so I figgered I'd take him to see the insect lady what pooped out 8 young'uns," while inside, all he's thinking is, "Holy shit, my son's a danged queer!  Look at 'im cryin' like a baby 'bout some hootin' hollerin' TV show!  I hate my gay son!  Why'd ya hafta be gay, son?  Why couldn't ya jus shoot me in the nuts?!  Why cain't he like wrasslin' an' huntin' an' fishin' an' fuckin' his sister an' god damn it if that li'l sumnabitch don't learn how to make meth the right way soon so help me Jesus I'm a-gonna rape that boy to death in my chicken coop, boy howdy!"  The guy is a redneck, get it?  Anyway, I am fairly certain that this kid got so many swirlies in school the next day that he drowned.  No big loss though, because this kid was probably going to grow up to be a furry or a cannibal or both.

What I want to know is how did this couple even find the time to cheat on each other?  They have eight kids. How do they even find the time to sleep at night?  Oh, right, it's because they're scumbags who pay a bunch of handlers to take care of the kids while they go out and pretend their lives aren't a living hell.  The woman is the worst.  Apparently (and thanks, local news for telling me all of this, by the way) she is constantly going on book tours.  Book tours.  She knows how to write?  I'm sorry, it's just that I had always assumed that someone dumb enough to have 8 kids in two sessions and then raise them on TV had to be illiterate.  Just because their lives are that much of a mistake.  A quick search of Amazon brought up these books:

	Multiple Blessings - Something About Having 8 Kids, Or Something From the description I skimmed, this one is about how they had twins and then found out they were having six more kids and being shocked.  Apparently no one explained the down side of fertility drugs to them.  And why did they need fertility drugs in the first place?  She grew up in a trailer.  Girls who grow up in trailers usually have no problems getting pregnant.  Most of them have 8 kids from 10 different fathers by the time they're 16.
	Eight Little Faces Another book about having eight kids.  I guess one wasn't enough.  From the description, this book is more of a picture book, since fans of the show can barely read.  Way to whore out your kids again, by the way.
	Every Time I Close My Eyes, I See Dollar Signs: Fantasizing About Getting Fucked by $100 Bills This book is a how-to self help book for people who want to learn how to cash in on their offspring.  It features detailed steps on repeatedly talking your doctor into administering fertility drugs after you already have a bunch of kids, how to be a constant bitch (including a chapter on making your husband suicidal), and a final lesson that teaches the reader how to let go of their conscience and remove any reservations about using your kids to win fabulous cash and prizes for yourself.  It also explains how getting a TV automatically turns you into an award-winning author in spite of the fact that you're basically an idiot that everyone hates.  This book is due out after people stop paying attention to her for the divorce.

I find it ironic that a woman who wrote a book about her kids called "Multiple Blessings" is too busy with her book tours and grandpa-fucking to actually sit at home and spend time with them.  Kudos to you for spelling "blessings" with an 8, by the way, you dumb fuck.  Not clever, just annoying as shit.

The bottom line is that the kids are screwed.  Each and every one of them is going to be addicted to heroin and explaining all of this TV nonsense to a therapist in 15 years.  "Well doc, I started doing heroin to get my parents' attention.  My mom is too busy writing inane books for fat people and my dad is a huge ineffectual pussy.  Oh, and did I mention that I spent my formative years in front of a camera crew?  It's amazing none of us have killed ourselves yet."

I am really looking forward to the end of their 15 minutes of fame so I can stop hearing about them, reading about them, and seeing their faces all over the internet.  No one fucking cares.  Take all the money you somehow made, take your problems and your kids, and go the fuck away.  You know what?  It's not even entirely their fault.  It's your fault, America.  You're the ones that can't fucking get enough.  They'll never go away as long as you keep giving a shit.  Fuck you.  It's your fault the rest world hates us.  Die already.

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